Embracing who I am

6 years ago my world imploded. I woke up in the middle of the night, and everything fell apart. The heartbreak was like nothing I had ever experienced. Never had I expected to be single…. though with hindsight it was something that should have happened sooner. I had sacrificed my own happiness for someone else’s for far too many years.

At the time though, I could see nothing but pain and sadness. I couldn’t imagine how life would move on, how I would rebuild after being shattered into a million pieces.

It was a time of great healing, of working through so much of my own issues, of stopping the pretence that I was happy.

Life now feels so different to how it did six years ago. From the outside it might not look overly different. Still in the same house, still home educating. Yet I feel like a different person – hell, I AM a different person.

I learned the importance of living life on my own terms. In not putting myself last. I take time for myself when I can {I’m a single mama of 5 – it’s not always easy to come by!}, making the time for my hobbies and interests, for women’s circles and coffee dates with friends.

I stopped giving so many fucks about what other people think of me.

I found comfort in my own skin, healing a life long discord with this body of mine.

I found my voice, to stand up for myself and ask for what I need – or say NO to what I don’t need.

I’ve proved to myself I don’t need anyone – I’m supporting five kiddos by myself, day in day out. Working hard to earn enough to keep us afloat.

I’ve found my confidence – no I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not, my true self turns out to be more confident than I thought. Doing the things that scare me the most, pushing my boundaries and constantly stepping out of my comfort zone.

Loving freedom now I can drive – getting out and living my best life.

I realised that I don’t need to be rescued. I, and I alone, am the hero of my story. I don’t need a man to step in and save me.

Would I do things differently if I could go back in time – twenty years to when we got married, ten years when I was so low and depressed? Honestly, I wouldn’t. Yes, I’ve made mistakes. Jumped into a marriage, stayed longer than I should. BUT – everything I went through has made me the person I am today. I wouldn’t change a thing as I wouldn’t be without these kiddos of mine and all the lessons I have learned along the way.

For too long I carried a victim wound, for all the things life did wrong to me. Yet ultimately life just kept giving me lessons until I finally learned them. It was putting obstacles in my way so that I would grow and become the person I was meant to be. For too long I gave away my power. I tried to make myself smaller. Tried to make others happy. Tried to fit in and be who I thought I should be.

No more.

I’m unapologetically me.

I am happy with my life, I am content in who I am, and where I am going.

A couple of weeks ago, I cut off all my hair. It felt like a huge step. For so long I’ve let my hair define me, hidden behind it’s length. I’ve felt so tied down by it, it literally felt like a dead weight holding me down. Then hearing a friend talking about how she couldn’t cut her hair because we keep our stories in there, I had a ‘lightbulb’ moment. I knew that I needed to cut mine off – to cut off those old stories. To shed my old self-limiting beliefs, the stories from my past that were keeping me tied back and unable to move forward.

The lightness I felt when my hair was gone was more than just physical. It was a mental sigh of relief. A feeling of being unburdened, of freedom and release.

Six years ago I felt as though my life was over, when really it was finally beginning.