Dear Bean – Week Twenty Three

Dear Bean

Another week ticked off. I’ve felt pretty uncomfortable much of this week. Bean has been sitting really low down and it’s not the most comfortable place for him to be. Hoping he decides to move around a little while he can, especially as we still have 17 weeks to go.

Otherwise, all is much the same. Lots more movements and I can now just see them/feel them from the outside.

In truth, I’ve been feeling a bit ‘low’ the last week or two. Pregnancy hormones are partly to blame I’m sure, but life hasn’t been easy the past few months and I think things have kind of caught up with me. For a long time, I was just making it through, trying to get out of the situation I found myself in, then trying to patch up some of the damage done. Now, the worst has passed and finally, I’m realising how it’s made me feel.

I never imagined I’d be expecting a baby as a single Mama, whilst raising four other kiddos. As much as this baby will be loved, I can’t help but worry about how things will be. How I’ll manage.

I feel awkward as well when people ask questions, almost as though I’m waiting for their judgement on my single status. While I shouldn’t care, and part of me knows it doesn’t matter, in some ways it does.

I’m trying to be extra kind and patient with myself, trying to find the balance between allowing myself to feel the feelings that I am, and sitting and wallowing in self-pity. Part of me thinks I shouldn’t be feeling like this, should be happy and grateful for this new life that is coming.

I’m hoping these ‘blues’ pass soon, hoping the joy kicks in and I can enjoy this last pregnancy.

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