Listening to my heart song

The last few years have been a rollercoaster, there have been some major ups and downs, life has been shaken about more than once and I’ve continuously had to pick myself up and dust myself off and start again. There have been times when I’ve felt lost, and haven’t known who I was or where I was going. But somehow, I’ve weathered the storm and come out the otherside. For a while now, I’ve felt the pulling to leave behind the old and forge out on a new path. To create a new life, that is more in keeping with me.

I feel like I’ve gotten stuck in a role, that doesn’t fit me 100%. I’ve kept playing the part because sometimes it’s easier to stay with what we know than it is to venture out into unchartered territory. Plus, my anxiety makes me overthink everything and play it safe in a world I know.

I’m noticing more and more my patterns, and feel the need to break free and make some changes. To stop sticking to what is safe, to find a way to have more belief in myself, to remember that I am enough and I am worthy.

It’s time to stop withdrawing – from people and events, to stop making myself and outsider and know that I am just as valid as everyone else. I spent a wonderful weekend at Conscious Tribal Gathering recently, in a field surrounded by some amazing souls. People who are following their hearts, and speaking their truths and being unafraid to step outside of the ordinary.

I’m feeling the calling to listen to what is in my heart. To step onto a new path. To be true to myself.

I’m not 100% sure where this path will lead me, or exactly what it is that I’m being called to. I know that some aspects of my life don’t feel in line with my soul. That I need to find something that fulfills me. Having been a Mama for the vast part of my adult life, I feel I need to find who I am outside of being a Mama.

I want a life that is colourful, and loud. Filled with friends and laughter. A life that is happy and busy, surrounded by people who make me feel good. Sometimes life right now is too lacking in friends and laughter. It’s easy for me to go a whole week without actually seeing someone, other than to say a quick hello to. My insecurities and anxieties mean that I often pull myself away, or don’t reach out to others, which results in people thinking I am not interested.

What I need is to figure out the next step. To work out where I want to end up and how I am going to get there. To delve deep and listen to what my heart is yearning for, to what makes me happy. To let go of what doesn’t fit or feel right anymore and invite in what does. To find a way to turn my current life into a life that completely fulfills me.

In this season of life with a small babe, there is not much time for me. It is a time to be thinking and dreaming and planning rather than doing. A time to delve within my heart and listen to it’s song. To figure out what it is that is calling me, and to slowly begin to put some plans into action. While Oren is so small and dependant on me, I can not leave him – so I’m looking at online courses that I can fit into those tiny pockets of time that I have. I began a Reiki course when I was pregnant, which I’ve picked back up now I have a little headspace.

I’m feeling more and more called to simplify life, to live a quieter life, to be online less and less. I love blogging, and have no intentions to stop but I do feel as though I need to reevaluate just what it is that I’m sharing on this space.

New beginings can be daunting, a couple of days ago when I began this post and admitted to myself that change was coming the tears came. Yet at the same time I am so ready to embrace this new chapter in life and all that it may bring.