A little pondering on life

A little pondering on life

Who else is in denial it’s December already? This year has flown by and I can’t believe we’re almost at its end already. It’s been a funny old year for me. After my marriage ended this time last year, the last festive season was a bit of a blur. There’s photo evidence that Christmas happened, but in all honesty, I don’t really remember it. Going from planning a future one day, to overnight finding out pretty much your entire marriage was a lie was a bit of a big pill to swallow. I’m excited about the festive season this year, excited to build new traditions for the five of us.

It’s funny, that while it was my choice to end the relationship {rather than carry on living the lie as he wanted}, and if I’m honest with myself, it’s what I’d wanted for years, being suddenly single after almost 15 years was hard. While I didn’t miss him per se, I missed having someone. The grief hit hard, and I found myself once again battling with depression and anxiety, struggling to keep my head above water most days. From the outside, people kept telling me how well I was doing, and how strong I was, inside I was crumbling.

It’s that old saying though, you have to hit rock bottom to be able to go back up. A part of me kept berating myself for not being up and running straight away but letting go of fifteen years of life, as well as a whole future, takes time. I’ve relished having this year to being just me {as much just you as you can be with four kids}. It’s been a year of self-discovery, digging dip, letting go of shoulds and coulds, accepting that ultimately, I have to stand on my own two feet – friends can be there to help, but the big stuff comes down to me. For so long, I was looking for someone to tell me what I should do, tell me how to make myself feel better, how to make everything ok again.

Lately, though, I can feel a new piece setting in. An acceptance that this is me, that life isn’t always easy but it’s more important to be true to yourself than it is to please other people. Also realising that one of my worst character traits is that I push people away. A lifetime of being let down by loved ones, and I don’t find it easy to let people in close. When the going gets tough, I protect myself the only way I know how, by putting distance between us.

I feel like I’m at a crossroads in life. Free from being trapped in an unhappy marriage, I can shape the life I want. But I’m not sure I know what that is. Or how to get there.

Step one is learning to drive. I’m on that one – studying for my theory, and hoping to start practical lessons in the New Year. Being able to drive will give me the freedom I need. I won’t be tied to living where we are, for as much as I love my house, I never really wanted to live in Wrexham, but being in a town makes life so much easier when I can’t drive.

I feel like it’s time for a change of location. I’ve toyed with the idea of moving nearer my Dad, and I would love to be closer to him. But once I can drive, the travel home won’t be so difficult {no more 4 hour/5 train journeys!} and I’m not sure moving there would be the right answer. While I love my Dad, the rest of my family don’t really talk to me, and I’d be moving away from friends. More likely, we’ll stay here in North Wales but perhaps move nearer the coast. I’m yearning for a fresh start in a new town. Putting a little distance between me and the past, making a new life and new memories. Plus there are a lot of home education groups further up the North Wales coast, and that would make a huge difference to us as currently, we feel a little isolated from the community here.

I’ve been pondering what I’m going to do career-wise as well. I’m so incredibly lucky that this blog pays me a living, that I can stay home with my kiddos and survive as a single parent. Yet… I feel I need something more. I’m not sure what though. I have a couple of book ideas, yet lack the courage to go for it. I’d love to venture out and write for other people… again, it’s a confidence thing that’s stopping me. I’m thinking of getting back into vlogging in the New Year {yikes} – overcoming my hatred of having to see myself on video. Maybe it’s time to push out of my comfort zone, to challenge my fears and follow my dreams?

Some days I think I can do it, other days I can barely manage to keep everybody fed. While the depression and anxiety have eased, thankfully, some days are good and some days not so good. Some days I wonder what on earth the point of anything is. Then I see my kiddos and remind myself that they are the point. That even if I don’t feel like doing it for me, I have to do it for them.

I’ve always been a bit of a worrier, thinking too much, and letting that worry paralyse me so I end up doing nothing. Maybe I need to think less and do more. Go with my gut, and see what life brings. I’m not really sure if any of this made much sense, let alone if there is a point behind it, but writing things out always helps me think. If you made it to the end of this, then thank you for reading! Happy weekend :)

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3 Comments

  1. December 2, 2017 / 15:31

    I had tears in my eyes reading this.. thanks for sharing. Keep your chin up, you are doing amazing.

  2. Sarah
    December 2, 2017 / 16:11

    Don’t be afraid to write that book Polly; your writing is REALLY good. Even if you start off just spending half an hour a day on it, it’ll grow from there. There are some lovely people on Twitter supporting each other in their writing dreams, and sharing opportunities with each other, which has helped my writing no end. You can do it! Xx

  3. December 2, 2017 / 17:28

    Love your honest posts hun – you have had an amazing year – going from strength to strength. If this last one is anything to go by imagine what you can do with next year!!!

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