Finding our way

It’s a Saturday morning as I sit and write this. We’ve been awake for a couple of hours, me and the littlest three. We’ve had pancakes, tea, I’ve showered, Beastie and Baya have been on the trampoline, the baby has played and nursed and been cuddled, and just gone down for a nap.

The kettle is one, the washing machine whirring away, the teenagers still asleep in bed.

I’m sneaking five minutes to sit and pour some thoughts out on the screen before I do a quick dash around the house to tidy up and collect another load of laundry.

Two and a half months since we welcomed Oren earthside and we’re finding our way, settling into a new normal. Some days are easier than others. Babies have those grumpy days when they are just not happy no matter what and it all seems so hard. When I’m desperately trying to keep on top of the housework, feeding everyone, giving the other kiddos some attention, working, homeschooling, getting people to groups – all while cuddling and nursing a fractious baby.

Those days are when I give in to the tears. When I’m tired and spread too thin and unsure how on earth I am supposed to balance everything that I need to do. Yesterday the tears came because I desperately wanted to climb into Baya’s hot bath, just for five minutes, but the baby wasn’t happy so I couldn’t. Then the evening came, and he was happy and it all felt so very different.

I’m trying to live in the moment, to not expect too much of myself, to give myself space to just be. To not try to keep everything perfect, to sit and cuddle him sometimes while he naps, and when he does nap in his bed, spend the time with the other kiddos rather than doing jobs.

I find myself feeling pulled away from this online world, yet I have to be present here too as it is my only means of income – it is how I support my family. I feel like I am being pulled in a different direction, but I have no idea where or what else I could do. I’m trying to sit with these feelings, for these first few months while Oren is so small, and my time is so limited. Hopefully, in a years time, I can begin to create a new life for us all, hopefully by they I will have figured out which direction I should be moving in.

These days are long, yet the weeks are flying by. I’m soaking up these baby days for the very last time, enjoying it, knowing that once they are gone they’ll be gone for good, and then I can move on and create something new.

I’m happy and sad all at the same time, some days I worry that PPD is creeping in, but really I am happy, I don’t feel depressed, just sometimes tired and overwhelmed and worried about the future. With no partner to lean on, to support me, the knowledge it all lies at my feet is daunting. Yet it also feels good to know that I, and only I, am making this work – that I am financially supporting these kiddos all on my own, that i am raising them and loving them, and keeping our world going by myself. Empowering it is, lonely it can also be.