finding my way back to me

who-am-i
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do you know who you are??? truly are, deep within your soul? none of us are just one thing, we all have different roles that form our identity. sometimes these blend into one another, sometimes they are kept separate.

i seem to have spent most of my life searching for who i am. and i’m still no closer to knowing. from a very early age, i’ve felt like an outsider, i felt that i wasn’t real and i didn’t matter. things happened when i was little, things that made me shut a part of me off, self preservation i guess. i believed the things i was told. that it was my fault… that i wasn’t good enough… that what i thought and felt weren’t important.. and because i believed it i searched out more of the same… people who would validate the way i’d come to think of myself. my teens were a difficult time… an abusive relationship… a difficult relationship with my folks…. putting myself in situations because i didn’t think i deserved any better… self harm… drink… drugs… eating disorders… all because i’d been taught to hate myself and i did with a vengeance.

the law of attraction says that like follows like… and because my thoughts were of self hate… and i expected people to abuse me… that’s exactly what i got. the more that it happened, the more my feelings and beliefs were validated.

i’ve spent my life trying to be who other people want me to be…what other people expect me to be… trying to be someone different for each and every person in my life.. i’ve pushed people away if they get too close, afraid that they won’t like what they find in me. and now… i don’t know who i am… what really makes me ME.. i’m afraid to show the world my true colours, afraid to just be me, to not censor myself and allow myself to be the person i want to be.

i’m trying to find a way to reconnect with myself.. i want to live my life in full colour, free of the need for approval from others, free of judgement, free to be who i am. but first i have to find myself. i want to love myself and accept that i am me, no one else and for that to be ok.

i’ve been reading lots of other posts on blogs that have deeply resonated with me, this at ShaktiMama, here at Jen Lemen and this from Leonie . Many many more have touched me, but these are the first that sprung to mind.

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