Moving on…. time for a whole new chapter

love-hurts-heartbreak-seperation-and-moving-on

I’ve spent the past twelve weeks hoping and praying that I would never have to write this post. I’ve hinted on here that the past few months have been really tough, and that there has been a lot of stuff going on ‘behind the scenes’ but I’ve not really talked much about what that was. Life came to a very abrupt halt one Sunday morning in September, and finally, almost three months later it’s time for new beginnings. I’ve struggled to blog on here since then, as I’ve just not had the words. This place is my happy place, my diary of my family and all our fun and love. Suddenly, my world was full of heartbreak, and never ending tears and yet, it wasn’t the time to write about them. Splitting up with my husband was never something I saw on the cards, for this year or at all.

I never expected to find myself single again, I’ve spent the almost fifteen giving everything I had to the man I dreamed on spending the rest of my life with. So that weekend’s bombshell hit me harder than I ever could have expected. I honestly did not see it coming for a single second. our marriage was never perfect, who’s is? We argued and annoyed the hell out of each other from time to time just like everyone does. We’ve had rough patches and great patches. I thought we’d had an amazing summer. I felt like we’d turned a corner and were planning future adventures, things we’d do when the kids were bigger… so suddenly finding myself thrown in at the deep end left me almost drowning.

Finding that the person you love the most isn’t who you thought they were, that the person you thought would never hurt you could hurt you more than anyone else, that the life you thought you had, maybe never existed, really messes with your head. For a start, I ate the lies and blame. Figuring, it must have been my fault. Maybe I didn’t try enough, that although I’ve given all I have, been as supportive as I possibly could be, ran a house, looked after four kids, built up my own business and homeschooled the kiddos with no support, maybe that just wasn’t good enough. A lifetime of self-doubt came flooding back.

And I fought, I fought like hell to save my marriage, and I am glad that I did. For I’ll always know that I did everything I could, I tried to find a way through this. But that can only work if both people make an effort. When only one does, and the other buries their head in the sand there really isn’t a hope in hell.

After seven weeks of heartbreak, of not being able to sleep or eat or think straight,  I couldn’t take anymore and told him to leave. In those four weeks since, it’s been one hell of a rollercoaster ride. I feel all the feels, the highs and the lows, and those lows have been so low.  Finding out that the majority of your life has been built on lies hurts. Finding out the person you thought you knew as well as yourself isn’t who they pretended to be, that they have never wanted any of what you’ve spent your life creating kills you. Not only has your future been taken, but all those happy memories are tainted with the knowledge that it wasn’t what it seemed.

My mind accepted these new truths far faster than my heart has. It saw that so many things made sense, that things I thought were nothing, really were something….. That it had been obvious for years that he didn’t really want to be here, I just choose to ignore it. My heart, even now, still hopes that I’ll wake up and find this just one awful nightmare.

I’ve hoped and prayed that even after him leaving, things would work out. I’ve tried to talk, tried to find ways through, but ultimately, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to love myself more. That I have to put myself {and the kiddos} first. I deserve so much more than someone who would cheat and lie. We deserve someone who would never dream of walking away from all of this.

This may not be what I wanted, but I’m trying to see it as just a chapter in the middle of my story. Keeping my fingers crossed that the best really is yet to come.  I don’t doubt that there will be more tears. More sadness at what I’ve lost. But it’s time to find some closure on this chapter of my life. in talking about how I’ve been feeling on my IG, I’ve been floored by people’s comments and messages – telling me how amazing it is to read such openness and honesty, that I’ve inspired them, or how they’ve been or are in a similar situation and feel relieved to know they’re not alone.

Right now, I’m counting my blessings. Four amazing kiddos, a job I love, a house and warmth and some of the bestest friends I could ever imagine. They’ve truly been my rock the past couple of months, kept me afloat in the darkest times, and reminded me this is not my fault. Finding the good amongst the ugly, and looking forward to all that 2017 will bring.

 

“Grief is love’s souvenir. It’s our proof that we once loved. Grief is the receipt we wave in the air that says to the world: Look! Love was once mine. I love well. Here is my proof that I paid the price.”

― Glennon Doyle Melton, Love Warrior: A Memoir

Follow:

22 Comments

  1. December 10, 2016 / 12:45

    I am so so proud of you lovely? At how strong you have been through this crushing time. The best is most certainly yet to come xxx

    • December 11, 2016 / 22:15

      Thanks Lori xxx

  2. December 10, 2016 / 13:23

    You’re a brave and strong woman! Sending you lots of love!

  3. December 10, 2016 / 14:10

    You’ve been so brave Polly, and you’ve definitely made the right decision. Not one single part of what’s happened is because of you, you’re amazing. You manage so much on your own and the fact you’ve done it with a partner means you can definitely do it without one. Sending lots of love xx

    • December 11, 2016 / 22:17

      Thanks Jess x

  4. December 10, 2016 / 14:13

    Onwards and upwards Polly, you brave lady. can’t wait to see what you achieve in the next twelve months.

    • December 11, 2016 / 22:31

      xxx onwards and upwards :D

  5. December 10, 2016 / 18:36

    Your a stunning, intelligent mamma, we are So proud of how you shared your honesty and pain. We can’t wait to see the beginning of your next chapter of life which is about to begin. What a wonderful mama you are ????

    • December 11, 2016 / 22:27

      thank you, so looking forward to the next chapter! xx

  6. December 10, 2016 / 21:19

    Polly. You are amazing. I know you might not see it now, but you really are. You’re an inspiration not just to those who feel they might deserve better but to your own kids who need to see that when you love someone you treat them with kindness and respect. Much love to you. And all the love for 2017.

    • December 11, 2016 / 22:30

      Aw Molly, totally made me cry :) xxx

  7. Sally Salton
    December 10, 2016 / 21:37

    Sending you love and hopes for a positive 2017. You are an inspirational and wonderful woman. Stay strong and keep talking to your friends and family. Xxx

    • December 11, 2016 / 22:31

      thank you lovely x

  8. Michelle Williams
    December 10, 2016 / 22:29

    I hope that 2017 brings so much happiness for you. Always remember you are not responsible for his actions, he made his own choices. There are good thing ahead for you even if it doesn’t seem so now. I have the most amazing sister in law who is more like a true sister to me but I wouldn’t have her if 23 years ago my ex sister in law didn’t devastate my brother by cheating. Put yourself and your kids first, you are an amazing strong woman and mum.

    • December 11, 2016 / 22:24

      me too… hoping next year is SO much better xxx

  9. December 10, 2016 / 23:25

    Wow, I could have written this! My 14 year marriage came to an end early September in what sounds like very similar circumstances. Sending all my love & positive vibes that the grass is greener. I keep telling myself things happen for a reason & that what is nest to he will be. I’ve got a good feeling about 2017 (it can’t be any worse!) & I hope you do too x

    • December 11, 2016 / 22:25

      Oh, Ali.. so sorry you’re going through this too. Sending you lots of love xxx

  10. Kerry Pedder
    December 11, 2016 / 07:36

    You are inspiring and when your children are grown they will look back and be so SO proud of you Polly. We are all rooting for you xxxxx

    • December 11, 2016 / 22:25

      mwah xxxx thank you!

  11. December 11, 2016 / 12:08

    This post brought me to tears Polly. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. I’ve been quietly reading your blog here for a long time, and you are one strong mama. You’ve kept it all running all this time, the kids, your home, the homeschooling. You are incredible, and I think most people can only dream of being as capable as you. Stand strong. You can so do this. I know that it’s not what you wanted and that it hurts, but it’s much better to only have to worry about yourself and your kiddos and not waste energy on somebody who hasn’t got your back.

    • December 11, 2016 / 22:22

      Thank you so much for your lovely words, there have been many days these past few months that I’ve felt far less than capable… getting there slowly though xxx

  12. Friend
    December 11, 2016 / 13:20

    You’re so much braver than me. I take him back every time, and the destruction is predictably cataclysmic every. Single. Time. He cheats and he lies, he’s aggressive and (at times) violent, too. But I’m so scared of doing this on my own. I’m scared he’ll manipulate me from a distance through the kids. I’m scared he’d use the authorities against me. It’s a scary prospect, leaving someone this cruel.
    I’m not brave enough to do it.

    Congratulations on your freedom, beautiful lady. Enjoy all that it has to bring

    xxx

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *