It’s a quiet Friday morning, I’m not home alone but silence surrounds me. With the boys out of the house so I can work, the house is so much quieter than usual. There was a time when hte quiet unnerved me, when an empty house, no-one calling ‘Mama’ every five minutes would leave me feeling on edge.
The truth was, in busy-ness I could lose myself. I could drown out the beating of my heart that cried out to be heard. That said how afraid she was. How lonely she was. How unhappy she felt.
I’d fill my days with noise, and kids, and activities, and busy-ness, never giving myself a second to be still. For in stillness, I had to acknowledge how I felt.
Now. Now I seek out those moments of quiet. Of solitude. Of nothing-ness. I find myself craving them, needing the time to sit with myself, to listen to my heart, to acknowledge my feelings, to give them space. I’m no longer afraid of my feelings – they are there, but they are not me.
I am not sad, happy, lonely, depressed, anxious… I may feel those things, but I am not them.
This week has been full of highs and lows. The more I work on myself, heal those inner wounds that have festered for too long, push myself out of my comfort zone and reach out the more than comes up.
I’ve been seeking connection lately. For too long, I’ve kept a distance, because those old thought patterns still told me that I am not ‘enough’ – that I am not equal to everyone else. Which is not true, I know. It feels as though the last few months, I can really see through those limiting beliefs, and while they still come up, I can say ‘oh hai’ and carry on doing what I need to do.
I know that when I am in a group and feel disconnected, it’s not because others don’t want me there/I don’t fit in/I’m not good enough. It’s because I am listening to that inner voice, and disconnecting myself. SO I’m breaking the cycle. Even when I feel discomfort, I am pushing on. Instead of isolating, I am reaching out, seeking connection, love, community.
Instead of listening to the same old tune, I am swithcing stations. Dialing in a new frequency, and focusing on what I want, feeling the love that already surrounds me, and letting it break down barriers.