Saying Goodbye

It’s been a while since I’ve had the words to write on here. Life through me a curveball that I most certainly wasn’t expecting, and it’s shaken everything up.

In my heart, from the minute I heard my Dad was going to hospital, I knew. I didn’t know how quick it was going to be, but in my heart I knew that time was running out.

To lose him, two weeks later, was a shock. We always hope that we have more time. We are never ready to say goodbye, are we? Yet sometimes, life doesn’t give us what we want, or even what we need. Having not seen him for two and a half years, racing across country to see him in hospital was hard. All the what ifs and I wish’s racing through my mind.

Wishing things had been different. Wishing that we had more time. Wanting to have just one more visit with him.

I’m grateful I got to see him and talk to him. To sit and do a crossword puzzle, and even dying, he still got far more right than me! to tell him I loved him. To say goodbye

Ten days since he died, and I feel like I am wading through mud. The depth of my grief surprised me. I haven’t lived with him since I was 12, and in those almost 30 years the time I have spent with him was not very much. I know he loved me. And as I grew up, I let go of the wish for something more. He was who he was. Our relationship was what it was. As an adult, I know that our parents are just people. Not perfect, but fallible. There is no point wishing things were different or regretting what wasn’t.

He was my Dad, and I loved him.

That he is gone still befuddles me. I cannot imagine never speaking to him on the phone again. Never hearing his tales about what he’s seen on his walk, or what he’s been making in his workshop. Cannot believe I’ll never get to spend a weekend with him again.

Saying goodbye was the hardest thing.

Grief. It’s stopped me in my tracks. This last week, I’ve felt like I am underwater. I cannot quite seem to just carry on. In many ways I am. I’m working, looking after the kids, trying to catch up on my studies. Yet my heart is cracked open, in a way it hasn’t for a long time, not since my marriage ended. There is so many thoughts running through my mind.

Death reminds us that all we have is today. Life is short and oh so precious. it’s made me really question everything. What matters and what doesn’t. Re-evaluate where I am and where I am going.

Grief this week hasn’t just been about losing my Dad. I am almost 41 and not where I thought I would be in life right now. I never expected to be a single Mum, raising these five amazing kiddos by myself. I cannot change the last few years, nor would I wish to, as I have grown so much and gained an Oren. Yet that growth has taught me so much and occasionally makes me wonder what if. But I cannot change what has been, decisions I have made, or paths I chose. I have to move forward with what I have.

Grief and loneliness are not a good combination. Navigating this world alone isn’t easy. Some days it seems too much. yet in amongst the sadness is so much joy. Moments when I’m so grateful for all I have and this life I live. And that’s what life is. Happiness and Grief are not isolated. They can co-exist, the key is remembering in moments of grief that happiness is still there, in revelling in the happiness because you know what grief feels like. We cannot appreciate one without the other, life is a balancing act, finding good even in the hard times, learning from what we go through, letting go of what we cannot change and keeping moving forwards 💜

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