Two years of you

Sitting on my bed, you snuggled in my arms, nursing, cuddling my hair and getting ready for some sleep {I hope}. You still fit in my lap, though now there are arms and legs everywhere. A handful of hair, poking and pulling, prodding my face. Every now and then you go still, and I can feel your eyes looking at me, waiting for me to look, and when I do you give me a big grin and a giggle.

Even after sixteen months I am still in awe that you are actually here. That we were so lucky to get a fourth baby. To have so much love in our house.

I realised the other night, that it was two years ago as now that I found out that I was pregnant. I just knew that there was a tiny life just beginning in my tummy. Two whole years of you existing. Those first few weeks before we told anyone else were so special. I knew you were there, a tiny speck of life, growing a little bigger every day. I started dreaming of who’d you would be, and what you would look like. Tried to remember what it was like to have a tiny baby, secretly found out the Moses basket all my babies have slept in, and the box of baby clothes I had hung on to.

It’s crazy to think you’ve had a piece of my heart for two years. We exist as one being, both when you were inside of me, and for the last sixteen months. Four hours is the longest you’ve been away for in all of that time. Somedays I yearn for a few hours to myself. To sleep all night. To sit and do nothing, but listen to the sound of silence.

In truth, I’d be lost. These are by far the best years of my life. Corny perhaps, but true. I know from experience how fast the time goes. My firstborn is about to become a teenager and it seems only yesterday I held her in my arms for the first time. I’ve blinked and an entire decade has just whizzed past.

Sixteen months of nursing you to sleep, of having you fall asleep in my arms. Looking down on your beautiful face and those ridiculously long eyelashes {I’m SO jealous of those}!

Sixteen months of sitting with you for just five more minutes after you are asleep as I just need to drink in a little more of the love.

Sixteen months of feeling like my heart may burst.

After our three girls were born, I thought our little family was complete. Then the idea of you came along and showed me there was a hole I hadn’t seen. A space that was just waiting to be filled. I’ll admit to being surprised and little unsure when they told us you were a boy. A BOY! After three girls, I kind of thought that was our story. I thought I was a girl Mama, and that you’d follow suit. I didn’t know what I’d do with a boy. It seems crazy know but I worried if I’d feel the same as I did with your sisters. Of course, I needn’t have worried. From the second you were first placed in my arms you claimed a place in my heart. I feel silly for every worrying about loving you.

I’m relishing these days when you are in my arms for I know how fleeting they are. Before two long you’ll be too big to curl up in my lap. One day you’ll take yourself to bed and won’t need me to hum you to sleep. Already if I ask you if I can keep you forever you smile and shake your head.

While some days leave me exhausted, and there are nights I long to sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time, when bedtime can’t come quick enough and the morning always comes to soon. I still wouldn’t change it for the world. Two years of you existing in my heart have shown me that I’m stronger than I ever imagined.

It’s crazy how time flies and that I’ve known about you for two years already. I remember those months carrying you in my tummy and dreaming all the things we’d do with you, imagining what how a fourth baby would fit into our family, wondering how your sisters would be with you. I can honestly say it’s been all I ever imagined and more. Hard work, exhasuting, stressful at times – yes. But with so much love, I wouldn’t have it any other way.