Doing it alone – fear and anxiety at the end of this pregnancy

My doula messaged me this morning to see how I was holding up, and it was enough to tip me over the edge. The fear/anxiety has been there the whole pregnancy, but I’ve managed to bury it down, and do my best to ignore it. But the closer I get to delivery, the less I can ignore it. The truth is I’m anxious and scared. Yes, I’ve done this whole shebang more than once, but never as a single Mama. Although my then husband did nothing other than hold my hand, let me squeeze his arms and tell me, no, I couldn’t change my mind about the whole baby thing now when I was in labour I wasn’t alone.

I’ve avoided thinking about it because whenever I do, I cry. Writing this is so hard, the tears are streaming down my face and I can barely see the screen {bloody good job I can touch type!}. I know when the time comes, I’ll dig deep and make it through. And I have no doubt when I’m on the other side I’ll feel so amazing that  I could do this whole thing as a single Mama. But right now, it is scaring the hell out of me.

I am tired and overwhelmed, and there is no one to share the journey with me. I tried to mention it in a message to a friend at the end of last week, but she kind of just swept over my admission of freaking out over the whole labour thing.

Obviously, I have a doula, so fingers crossed she will be with me through most/some of the labour and delivery {she has a bit of a drive to get to me}. I guess I’m afraid of it happening and having to cope by myself. Of not having someone there to advocate for me when I’m vulnerable, of not having the physical support, let alone the emotional support of someone else.

This whole pregnancy has been incredibly hard, emotionally. It was never planned, and my choice was taken out of the whole matter from the get-go. Don’t get me wrong, this baby will be so loved by me, and by the other kiddos, but I wouldn’t have chosen to get pregnant when I did, or in a relationship that by then I was already realising wasn’t’ healthy. Coercive control takes away your freedom and your voice, and thankfully I found mine and escaped, though by then this little bean was already on his way. The whole situation surrounding falling pregnant, and then the months of me trying to extricate myself from the relationship, as well as trying to heal afterwards have really taken there toll. To be honest, I don’t think that I have fully processed the effects of the abuse, because I knew if I did, then I would fall apart, and that wasn’t an option – not with four kids, and another on the way, and trying to rebuild my life {again}.

I think the not knowing when labour will happen isn’t helping my anxiety, as it makes me feel even more out of control, yet there is little I can do about that! I’ve been listening to some positive birthing hypnotherapy, as well as journaling my feelings and putting up positive mantras around the house. Writing this has helped, it’s important to be open and honest about how we feel, and while I often feel I should be projecting how well I can cope by myself {because, mostly I can} it is also ok to admit that we are afraid, or anxious, or things aren’t as easy as they look. Single parenting is a tough gig. Single pregnancy is even tougher. Increased hormones mean that I am on the hugest emotional rollercoaster right now, and really just having to ride it out.