Rediscovering the Woman behind Mama

I’m sat on the sofa, the sun is shining through the window, the house is still and quiet. My eldest is studying upstairs, the baby napping, the others out with their dad.

This silence in the middle of the day used to be something I dreaded. I lived for the constant hussle nad bustle, children running around, the laughter, the games, the arguements, the constant calling ‘Muuuum’.

Silence I couldn’t bear. I needed to be busy and occupided 24/7.

When my marriage first ended, and the kiddos would go off for the day with their dad, oh how I hated those hours. They seemed endless and the silence was deafening.

Now I am sat here, sipping coffee, writing, pondering, gathering my thoughts. Breathing.

I feel a sense of peace. Of joy in this moment. Yes, I miss the noise when all five are not heree. Yet… yet I revel in these moents when I can stop and just be. When no one needs me. When I have five minutes to be Polly. When I can think and dream and plan and hope.

I see now how I hid behind my life. My children were my whole entire life. There was no Polly, just Mama. I lived and breathed motherhood.

I still do. They come first and always will do. Yet in the gaps I am starting to refind me.

I don’t want to hide anymore. The fear and the anxiety may still be there, but they are no longer in control of me. I am finding ways to be me, to make time and space to be a whole person who isn’t just definied by her children.

I am taking back my life. I am building something new, something that is me, something real that is bigger than ever before.

Taking a sledgehammer and smashing down the walls I built years ago. No more small life for me. No more hiding myself. No more shrinking to fit in anyone’s box.

Fuck that.

There is a balance to be had. There is no this or that, we cna have both. We can be both Mama and a Woman. We can follow our own passions, and care out time for ourseleves even when we are in the depths of motherhood.

Especially when we are in the depths of motherhood. I feel the pull to reconnect with who I am, who I was, who I want to be. Single parenting a toddler is intense, these pockets of time I get to myself are rare and oh so brief, but used wisely, they fill me up. They make my soul sing and me feel joyful. I know I am a better Mama for it.