A leap of faith

This is never how I saw my story unfolding. I was a ‘one marriage, I do forever’ kind of girl… until I realised that didn’t fit anymore. I never imagined I would be here at almost 40. Divorced. Single Mama.

I said ’till death do us part’ and I meant it, I spent years trying to hold onto a marriage, only for it to crumble in front of me. At the time I was broken. I’d spent years and years, despertley unhappy, yet trying to ignore that and make a marriage work. Sacrificing myself for someone else, ignoring those who noticed my unhappiness or commented I had ougtrown the marriage.

Three and a half years on and I have never been so grateful for my freedom. I dated a little, then stumbled unknowingly into an awful, toxid relationship, with a man who is a pathalogical liar and phsyically and emotionally abusive. Those six months proved the longest of my life. I finally escaped, single again, pregnant, and more than a little scarred.

I’ve learned the lessons the hard way.

That it isn’t better to have anybody than be alone.

That peace of mind is worth more than anything.

That real love doesn’t hold you back.

Relationships are meant to be two way – give and take, not just give, give, give.

Freedom is the greatest gift we all need.

Never sacrifice yourself for anyone.

SO here I am. Forty is around the corner. I made it through a pregnancy and birth alone. I’ve raised my son from a newborn baby to a one year old all by myself.

I’ve proved to me that I am stronger than I ever believed. That I am whole just as I am. I don’t need anyone to complete me. Learning to love myself has taught me so much, I’ve looked at myself and my life and figured out who I am and what I want. I’ve learned that I love my indepencace. Love having my own space and doing as I please.

I’d come to the conclusion that single life was my destiny, I couldn’t imagine ever letting anyone else in again. To trust someone seemed more than I could do.

But life has a funny way, of catching up on you when you’re not looking. When you think you know where you’re going, and you’re not paying attention. Suddenly you find yourself caught off guard. Either you can stay guarded and never love again, and keep your heart safe. Or you can be brave. You can trust not everyone is like those who have gone before. You can take that leap and pray that you won’t fall.

It may be safer to keep the guard up, but that isn’t living. I’d rather jump and see what life has to offer.