Some thoughts on divorce

I woke on Sunday morning to an email telling me that my Decree Nisi had been granted. Two and a half years after splitting from my ex-husband, it was a strange feeling to realise that it was almost all over officially. I have to wait six weeks to apply for the Decree Absolute, and then we are divorced. While time has healed the pain, seeing the words written down that the court agreed our marriage had irrevocably broken down still stung a little.

I married at 21, young and carefree, not really thinking about the enormity of what I was doing. Yet I meant those vows. They were the reason I fought for so many years, the reason I stayed even when things were tough. I married for the good and the bad times, and I refused to throw in the towel just because we were having a tricky patch.

So two and a half years ago, when my world shattered so totally unexpectedly one September morning, I refused to give up. For six long weeks, I tried to find a way through. I sat and listened to the accusations. I all but promised the moon if he’d just talk and work things through. And then one day I realised that I was fighting for something that I hadn’t wanted for a long time. I was finally in a position to be able to support myself and the children {something which had always stopped me leaving in the past when I couldn’t}, that the last ten years of my marriage had been built on lies, and more than anything, I deserved better.

So I bravely told him he had to leave, and then promptly fell apart.

Less so with grieving for my marriage, more for grieving for how much I’d let myself down. For how many years I had let myself be put last, how much I had sacrificed in my mission to keep my marriage afloat. When I finally realised it was time to move on, I had no idea what was to come. I was worried about the whole process, not having a clue. Thankfully, the internet stepped up to help – using resources such as https://www.petersmay.com/the-road-ahead meant that I knew at least what to expect from the whole divorce process.

The time since has been the hardest but the best. I have learned so much about myself and am far stronger than I ever thought I could be.

Am I sad about my divorce? Yes, of course. No -one enters a marriage expecting it to break down. And even a couple of years after the split, having confirmation of it being over made me feel sad for what was.

Do I regret my marriage? Not at all. For one, it gave me four amazing children, and that is something I could never regret. My marriage also taught me what not to do in relationships – to not put myself last, to not sacrifice everything for another person, to not overlook things that make me unhappy.

Getting divorced has given me a whole heap of relationship experience, and ultimately it was what made me call time on my last relationship after five months even though I was pregnant. I respect myself too much these days to stay in a relationship that wasn’t right.

I’m a big believer that life doesn’t always give you what you think you want, but it does give you what you need. A lesson that I needed to learn this lifetime was to not need someone else to rely on, to be able to stand on my own two feet and be true to myself. For too many years I told myself I was weak, and couldn’t cope by myself. I let my voice get lost, and lost sight of my dreams.

While I wouldn’t wish a divorce on anyone, sometimes it is for the best, and while it is difficult to go through, when you come out the other side you realise how much it has given you.