Dear Bean – Week Twenty Four

Dear Bean

Twenty four weeks! When I found out I was pregnant at four weeks, this point seemed so long away. With sixteen weeks to go, I’m guessing the baby will be here before we know it.  It’s been an ok-week. Bean is getting more and more active, I just wish he wouldn’t sit so low down already. It’s pretty darn uncomfortable to be perfectly honest.

I’ve been feeling ok physically. Tired, and achy by the end of the day but nothing a hot bath doesn’t sort out. Mood wise it’s been up and down {if you haven’t read it, I blogged last week about when pregnancy isn’t full of joy}. Prenatal depression isn’t talked about that much, there’s a lot of guilt surrounding it – the feeling that with a new life on the way we should be happy and grateful and full of joy.

I’m not not happy about the baby. It will be so so loved, and it will be lovely to have another baby in my arms and another boy in the house. At the same time, things are not how I ever expected them to be, and I’m won’t pretend it’s all easy. I’m told over and over how strong I am, and how well I do at everything  I do. I don’t really have a choice in that matter, with four kids and another on the way I cannot fall to pieces and give up, no matter how much I may want to. I have to keep going for them. Yet come the nighttime, the doubts start to take over my mind, and I am consumed with worry about how I will manage everything.

Even in my previous pregnancies, when my ex-husband wasn’t overly thrilled about the situation, at least there was someone there to share the experience with. This time, it’s just me, no one to share the highs and lows with.