When I grow up… I’ll know what I want to be

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I was never one of those people who knew what they wanted to do when they grow up. When I was at school, it seemed so many people had ambitions, and knew where they wanted to go. Not me. Even as a teenager I had no clue, I couldn’t picture me doing anything. Once I was thirteen and gave up the horse-riding career I was building in favour of partying {not my wisest move}, there was never anything else that really grabbed me, nothing that called to me, nothing that I simply had to do.

I never actually even saw myself as Mama, it just wasn’t something I pictured happening. Maybe due to the early childhood trauma, the years of depression/self-hatred/eating disorders in my teens, I never actually saw a future for myself. So for years I just kind of wandered through life without any kind of plan at all. When I found myself as a Mama at 22, I gave myself to that role. For the first time, I felt like I was on track. Fast forward a few years, and I was happy being ‘just a mum’, though sometimes I felt like that was all I was. Who was Polly? I didn’t really know, still didn’t have any passions or anything that was just ‘me’.

When my third child was nine months old, and I was lost in a haze of PND, I began blogging. I’d blogged years ago {in the old days of Geocities}, and inspired by a few online friends, decided to start again – mainly as a way to record a little of our daily life. I never expected that blog to still be here and going strong eight years later, nor for it to end up being what I did for a living.

In those early days of blogging, I found a love of writing, in words I could express what I couldn’t articulate. I discovered how much it helped to write things down, to get my thoughts out of my head. the other thing I discovered through blogging was the online community – as a stay at home mama of three, with no money, no support, and no life outside the house, finding a whole world online changed my life. Dramatic, maybe… but truthfully, I made some friends through blogging who I still speak to today, who have seen me through depression, babies, hard times, house moves, and break-ups.


WRITING LETS ME CONNECT WITH LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE, AND WITH MYSELF.


Blogging opened up a whole new world for me. Finally, I’d found something that I enjoyed doing, something that allowed me to connect with other people and helped me to find my voice. I’m still a little in awe that I get to do this as my job. That I can sit here, behind my laptop and write what’s on my mind, and be able to be home with my kiddos, pay my own bills and support the five of us.

It took me a long time before I felt comfortable to be able to tell people I was a writer slash blogger when they asked what I do for a living. Even at thirty-seven I still feel like I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I love writing, and I guess sometimes I still feel like a fraud. I’m in the middle of writing a book, with ideas for more, yet in the past month I’ve not managed to work on it – I feel a little like ‘who would want to read a book you’ve written anyway?’

I’m not too sure what the point of this post is, but I felt the urge to get these thoughts off my chest. I know I’m incredibly lucky to do what I do, yet it’s a career of uncertainty. I worry constantly about whether I’ll be able to pay all the bills this month, what will come next, whether the work will dry up overnight, what should I do next…..  I still lack confidence in myself and my worth, still am too shy about what I do to shout about it, or to put myself forward for opportunities.

What is it I want? I want to nurture my creativity, I want to write from my heart, and not worry about whether it is ‘good enough’ or not. I want to be able to support my family, and not worry about when the next paycheck is coming. I want to be truthful, to share my story and my life, in the hopes that it inspires others along the way. I want to be proud of what I do, to feel satisfied that I’ve followed my heart and finally found something that I am good at doing.


MOST OF ALL, I WANT TO FILL MY DAYS WITH CREATIVITY AND WORDS, TO WRITE WITHOUT WORRY AND SPEAK MY TRUTH.


I guess it’s alright to not know what it is you want to do. To not know where it is you are heading. I think what is important is to follow your heart, to give 100% to whatever it is you find yourself doing, to believe in yourself and to not compare your life to anyone else’s.

 

P.s writing that blog title kinda makes me want to sing the song from ‘Matilda the Musical‘, haha! 

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2 Comments

  1. April 14, 2018 / 18:50

    I read this post at the absolute right time. Strangely enough, I was just talking to my mom about this exact thing. I am heading towards the very end of my 20’s and am still unsure of exactly what I want to do with my future. I am in the process of hopefully switching jobs, but I really want to figure out how I could potentially work from home… at least on occasion. I was insanely into riding horses growing up, but I also wandered off of that path and into partying. I still kick myself for that.

  2. April 14, 2018 / 22:58

    Hello, I only found you recently and have watched lots of your old vlogs. The thing I like about you is your individuality and naturalness. How lovely that you are making a living doing something that you love. Keep on with your book.

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