How to Solve Roommate Conflict

It’s every roommate’s plight: the inevitable conflict with another roommate. Living with people isn’t without its share of struggles, as those who grew up with siblings can attest. Yet living with someone you’ve never lived with before comes with a new set of circumstances. Whether you’ve never had roommates or you’ve been a seasoned roommate for years, it’s important to know how you can live together in harmony. Throughout your stay together conflicts will arise. Fortunately, there are ways to solve them.

Prevent Them to Begin With

The ideal solution? Prevent conflicts to begin with. The only way to do so is to set up boundaries. It’s tempting to jump right into a living situation without talking about the uncomfortable topic of boundaries, but it’s critical. If you need quiet time to yourself, let your roommate know that parties every night isn’t an option. Establish chore duties as well through a set schedule or rotating list. Discuss these boundaries and more by sitting down with your roommates before you move in together. If there is something important to you that you need while living together, let your roommates know. That way you are all on the same page and you avoid miscommunication down the road. Likewise, your roommates can share their concerns as well and you can all better respect each other.

It’s a major mistake to avoid this discussion. Sometimes roommates are so eager to move in that they don’t consider their personal needs or the needs of others. The consequence of not being open about your boundaries is passive aggressive behavior. You can’t expect others to know your needs intuitively—voice them now or forever hold your peace. The most important thing is that they pay the rent on time. Sometimes something as simple as a credit check can vet your roommate—and it’s likely your landlord will require one.

Encourage Open Communication

Once you set boundaries you’ll need to maintenance them every once and a while. Create an open environment so that everyone can voice their concerns. This prevents everyone from building contempt and disdain for each other. If you live in a place where you don’t feel like you can be open, consider why.

For example, a conflict averse roommate will never voice a concern because they feel like every discussion is a confrontation. If this sounds like you, then use this as an exercise to step outside of your comfort zone. Remember, no one can read your mind but you. You can’t be angry with someone if you don’t communicate your problem. After all, they may surprise you with how open they are to change.

Acknowledge Other People’s Concerns

Sometimes you need people to listen to you and other times you’ll need to listen to them. If a roommate comes to you with a concern be sure to actively listen. Show that you are listening and acknowledge their statements. Even if you disagree with them show that you understand how difficult it may be for them. Even if their emotions are unfounded, you should acknowledge what they feel. If you become heated because it feels unfair, take a moment before you respond. Don’t say anything you might regret later.

Be Flexible

There are some roommate no-no’s that you should never tolerate like willfully damaging property or doing anything that would compromise your deposit. For everything else, however, you’ll need to maintain some flexibility. While all of the above is true and effective, you and your roommates will still make mistakes. After all, you are different people with different habits, needs and wants. If your roommate is studying for a big exam and forgets to do the dishes, acknowledge her needs and offer to help. You’ll need her to forgive you in the future as well.

Extreme Circumstances

Not every roommate is reasonable. If you are unlucky enough to have an inflexible and overbearing roommate, consider alternatives. If you live in a college dorm, speak to your RA about switching rooms. If you live in an apartment, try to move and get someone to sublease for the rest of your term. If this isn’t an option, speak to your landlord about alternatives.

Living with roommates should be a fun learning experience. Use these tips to solve conflict and become better roommates.