I wrote this the other night…. and I came so close to deleting. But if you’re reading this I guess I didn’t!!! I was scared this would just make me sound crazy… but also I want to be honest on here to how I feel :) Please be kind ;p
All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naive. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. ~Ralph Ellison, “Battle Royal”
From being pretty little, I have always felt as though I was living inside a bubble. That somehow reality didn’t apply to me. I felt as though nothing really mattered because I wasn’t real. That sounds crazy right?? The bubble protected me from getting hurt (supposedly) but also meant that I never fitted in. Everywhere I’ve been I’ve felt like an outsider. That I’m separate from everyone else.
When others were dreaming of their future, making plans to what they wanted to do, I couldn’t – because for me the future didn’t exist. I felt as though I was existing but not living. Just going through the motions of life.
Well obviously a future did exist, and somehow I’ve found myself at 30 with a husband and three children. At times I feel like the bubble is still there. I still feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. I still feel that I’m different (not better, if anything worse) to everyone else. I struggle with the thought that everything is pointless.
Why am I writing this?? I have no idea.. Honestly, I just need to write it out… this blog is my haven… where I channel my positivity. BUT while the depression of last year is far behind me (I hope) I still have moments when I despair. When I wish I could stop it all.
I’ve gotten pretty good at being positive these days. I’ve learnt to ignore the bad thoughts, MAKE myself think good things instead. I’ve learnt to accept that I don’t fit in places – though it isn’t easy.
I’ve kind of accepted that I am who I am. What has happened in the past has shaped me but is not me. That I am no different to everyone else. I am just as important. And I do matter.
“It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens.” -Pema Chodron
I have the choice to let me stories leave me helpless or to let them empower me.