Finding healing with forgiveness

“If you want to forget something or someone, never hate it, or never hate him/her. Everything and everyone that you hate is engraved upon your heart; if you want to let go of something, if you want to forget, you cannot hate.”

 C. Joybell C

Forgiveness. What does it mean to you? Perhaps there are acts that you think should never be forgiven? Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. … Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, or does it mean condoning or excusing offenses.

I got to thinking about forgiveness a few days ago, after a conversation with a friend. She commented on how amazing it was that my ex-husband and I had managed to get to such a good place. There was a time, when the wounds were fresh that I couldn’t imagine ever getting where we are now.

When I couldn’t imagine wanting to be where we are now.

All along though, my driving force has been my kiddos. What is best for them? Is it healthy for them to have two parents who never talk? Who cannot be in a room together? Where bitterness and hatred were the norm?

As a child of divorced parents, and ones who didn’t really get along, I knew all too well how difficult that could make life. I remember feeling stuck in the middle, and I didn’t want that for my children.

Equally, holding on to resentment and anger isn’t healthy for us as adults. Living with hatred in our hearts isn’t good. It keeps us trapped in the past, stuck in whatever situation originally made us feel that way.

Somewhere along the way, I knew that I needed to forgive. Not for his sake, but my own. I don’t condone what he did, I haven’t forgotten how he made me feel…. but I choose to forgive. To move on with life. To work hard to build a workable relationship with him rather than one built on anger and hurt.

In forgiving him, I found healing for myself. I was able to let go of all those feelings, accept them and acknowledge them, and then say goodbye. To move on, rebuild myself and not dwell in the past.

Forgiveness is hard work, it is not easy to forgive someones actions that have caused you so much hurt. Yet the results are most certainly worth the effort. Forgiveness is a choice you can make, for your own peace of mind, here are four steps to getting started.

• BE HONEST

Be open and honest with yourself about how you feel, and how you have been hurt. How has the hurt affected you?

• MAKE A CHOICE

You have to consciously decide to forgive. Clinging to anger and hurt will only affect you negatively in the long run.

• DO THE WORK

Can you empathise with the person who hurt you? See things from their point of view? What was going on for them? Find forgiveness, and perhaps a way of reconciliation.

• FIND THE LESSON

Look for the lesson in what you have experienced. Can you use what you have been through to help others through similar situations? In helping others, you will find healing yourself.