Looking back at how far I’ve come

The other morning, I opened Timehop, and up popped a memory from 7 years ago. An old facebook status, written when I was at one of my lowest points, when I had lost hope and felt like a complete failure.

No one ever really knew just how low I felt right then, how alone and out of hope I was. By some miracle, I held on, but how I wish I could go back and give that me a great big hug. To reassure her that she was doing fine, that while she was lonely, hurting, desperate, she was loved and she mattered.

Motherhood can be lonely. Hard. Never-ending. Trying to mother whilst navigating heartbreak was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. Trying to be everything for my kids, to keep their world turning whilst mine had imploded, pushed me to my limits.

I doubted myself. I felt like a fraud. My smile was plastered on, and ‘I’m fine’ was on repeat. Yet inside I was broken. Hoping to wake up and find this had just been a nightmare.

Looking back now, I wonder why I doubted myself. Why I didn’t believe that I was worthy. Why I didn’t think I could do this life by myself. Why I still put my worth in another person.

Life is full of ups and downs, sometimes it has felt like one obstacle after another. Somehow, I always come out still standing. I’ve survived all of my darkest moments, made it through times when I couldn’t see a way out, built myself back up time and time again, brushed myself off and created a life that I love.

Looking back, I can see just how far I have come, how much I have grown, how much I have learnt. If the old me could see my life now, she wouldn’t have spent so many nights in tears, wondering how on earth things would ever be ok again.

Believe in yourself. You are braver than you think, more talented than you know, and capable of more than you imagine.”

 Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart