If you want something different

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Lately, life is changing. Little by little. Small bits every day. I am changing. I’ve never been fond of change. Looking back, anxiety ruled my life long beoe I even knew it was a thing.

Even as a teen, change made me nervous. Made me anxious. I liked things to stay how they were. Liked to be in control. Liked to know what to expect.

One of the reasons I stayed in my marriage for so long, was that reason. That I was scared of the unknown. My anxiety told me it was safer to stay living in unhappiness than to step out into unchartered territory.

I was too afraid to go in pursuit of my own happiness.

It’s easy to get sucked into a cycle of the same old, same old. To get caught up in day to day life, to dream of a different world but be too afraid to make the changes needed to actually go after our dreams.

The last year, I’ve ome out of the new baby fog, and I’ve started looking around, at me and my life. At all the years that have gone past, at all the time I’ve let drift by without fully engaging with life. Years when I’ve opted for the safe, easy route. When I’ve pushed aside my dreams, telling myself I couldn’t do it anyway.

I’m tired of living that way. I’m tired of letting anxiety rule my life. So I’ve been pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Making plans. Dreaming big. Putting myself out there. Not staying in my safe little bubble. Not hiding behind my role as a Mama.

If you want something different, you have to do something different.

After years of having told myself ‘this will be the year I learn to drive’, then never following through on it, I’m actually having lessons! As much as I proclaimed I wanted to learn, anxiety told me not to. But screw that… I want the freedom and opportunities that being able to drive will bring me.

I’ve quit joking that I won’t be any good, and started believing that I can do it.

For years I’ve had a dream of going back to study, getting a degree, proving to myself that I am capable. There’s a plan in place, steps being taken, a hope to go in a years time, when Oren isn’t quite so small.

After a divorce and an awful, abusive relationship, it would be easy to put my heart in a box, to shut myself away and hide away from the world. I could be bitter and dismiss all men as bastards.

Yet they are not. There are good men out there, I know it. There is enough love for everyone, and so much life to be lived. We can only know the joys of love, when we have known the darkness of heartbreak.

I do not want a life that is shaped by bitterness, by hostiility. There is still a part of me that sees all the good in teh world, sees the hope and possibilities amongst the tough times.

Little by little, I’m doing things differently. Little by little, creating a whole new world.

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