Feeling all the feels of ONE

With five days to go until Oren turns 1, I am feeling ALL the feelings here. There is nothing as amazing as wathing yoru baby grow up, seeing them change and learn and develop. Yet…. with it comes a sadness.

I know he is my last baby, my bonus baby I didn’t expect to have. Knowing this is the last time I’ll go through all of these stages is bittersweet. He’s already turning into a toddler before my eyes. He’s been walking for 8 weeks, now he’s climing everything, into everything, he’s everywhere and nothing is safe.

He’s exploring the house and garden, he knows what he wants and gets so frustrated when he doesn’t get his way. He wants Mama all the time, he’ll be pacified with the girls – but really he wants me to bounce on the trampoline with him, me to take him out the front door, me to hold him and play with him all of the time. Which is sweet – yet this Mama is a little pverwhelmed right now. Feeling depleted in every resource I may have – there has been zero time to myself for weeks, and I am honestly just so tired.

I’m loving him to bits – but this age is hard work. I can’t take my eyes off him for a second, which makes trying to keep everything else going tricky. Naptimes have to be used to the max right now!

As wonderful as it is to see him grow, it’s sad to see him grow. Packing away tiny baby clothes, pulling out clothes that a year ago seemed giant.. wathcing him master new skills every day.

I’m trying to be present, slow down, be there for each step he takes and savour it. To not be frustrated at the mess, the tantrums, the constant need of me, the not wanting me to be out of sight, the night feeds… I know from experience I’ll miss it once it’s over and he’s grown.

Being kind to myself – letting myself feel all the feelings this week as I celebrate him turning one, and also celebrate me having raised him totally alone from day one for a whole year.