Feeling all the feelings

One thing that I had kind of forgotten about the postpartum period is just how much of an emotional rollercoaster it is. Hormones are all over the place, add in sleep deprivation and the constant-ness of caring for a newborn, and it is a recipe for feeling a little crazy! The past ten days my emotions have been all over the place. I am genuinely so happy, yet there are moments when the tears come and I cannot stop crying for love nor money.

My single-status is definitely contributing to this… knowing that it really is all on me can sometimes seem so overwhelming, and while my kiddos are so very helpful, they are just kids, and not a partner. I’m careful to not over-expect of them in helping out with the new baby. When it’s the middle of the night and you’re awake again with the baby, it would be nice to have someone there supportive, even if they cannot physically do the feeding, just that knowing you’re not alone is nice.

I’m trying to remind myself it is perfectly normal to feel all the feelings, that it’s OK to let them come out, to let myself cry, to admit that I’m worried about doing it all alone. To take it one day at a time and not worry about the next day, week, month, year….

This past weekend was an emotional one. Trying to deal with teenage dramas as well as coping with the demands of a newborn proved a little too much. Thankfully, we were staying at friends for a party, which meant my tears were not in private, there were people there to give me a hug, and remind me I’m not totally alone. To give me words of wisdom, and just listen to how I felt.

I’m taking it slowly, trying to calm my mind and not allow the anxiety to take over. To let myself feel whatever it is I’m feeling without judgement. Having had PPD in the past, I think I’m worried about that happening again. Yet, I know deep down that’s not how I feel, and this is more just hormones settling down, sleep deprivation and a little bit of worry about single parenting five kiddos.

I’m a chronic worrier, very good at imagining the worst case scenario and focusing on what could go wrong. So I’m making an effort to quash those thoughts, and to just enjoy every moment whilst Oren is so small. To only focus on the here and now, and to trust in myself and the world that it will all work out.

Here’s to feeling all the feelings, good, bad, sad, happy…