Doing it even when you think you can’t

It’s been another week of seeking solitude. Switching off from the world, reducing the noise of a life lived online. Stepping back from social media, so that I have headspace to sit with my own thoughts. I’ve always done anything I can to avoid this, kept myself busy and surrounded in noise so that I don’t have to be alone…. along literally but more so, alone with my own mind.

With a mind that is full of doubts and is convince I cannot do this. Convinced that I don’t’ have any more fight left in me. A mind that tells me to give up, give in and stop hoping that I can move beyond where I am right now. Certain that I can’t do this life anymore.

Ultimately, it’s not just about me. I am not just one person, alone and isolated. So whether I want to or not, whether I think I can or not, I have to do this.

Slowing down and acknowledging my thoughts and fears meant that I could admit to myself where I truly am. Know that I have hit the bottom of this ocean. The difference this time around is that I’m speaking my truths. Even whilst shutting off from most of the world, I’ve kept talking, to those who know and can help. Never before have I been so open and honest, even when it kills me to do so.

So here I am. Four months on from when my world fell apart, broken and scared, but finally standing my ground.

Knowing that I have to do this right now, even though I am not certain if I can. I’ve spent the week resisting, not giving in without a fight. Letting the voices and fears within win a few more fights and hating every second of it. Friday night I realised it was a ‘now or never’ situation. There is no magic cure, there is no way of making it all go away.

All I can do is take small steps, every day. Knowing that I will slip back a little some days, and allowing myself the grace to do so. Fighting for this life, fighting for my joy to return. Watching out for the easier day, those unexpected laughs, the days the mirror doesn’t matter anymore.

Taking one day at a time, putting plans in action to aid my recovery. Making myself accountable for what I’ve said I’ll do. Writing, writing, writing – therapy in itself, getting the thoughts out of my head so they don’t have the power to torment me anymore.

Making the most of my stubbornness and willpower, this time to save myself instead of destroying myself. Faking a belief in myself until I actually believe that I can do anything. All these weeks, I’ve never once believed those who’ve said how strong I’ve been, how well I’ve coped… listening instead to my mind telling me I’m making a mess and falling to pieces. So now it’s time to step back and try to see what it is that everyone else sees.

Stand my ground, fight back and put my pieces back together, but differently, better, stronger, to make a new, more ‘whole’ me ?