Early morning thoughts

8 am and the house is stirring. I’m sipping a cup of Earl Grey, the baby is playing on his playmat, the bigger kids still sleeping.

The days are whizzing by and there never seems to be the time to sit here and write. Several times a day thoughts whir through my mind, the starts of posts I want to write that I never get the chance to.

Some days it is frustrating, I long to be at the point where I can write again, where I have the time to put down my thoughts, to explore what’s going on in my mind. A tiny part of me is thinking about the future. About feeling called to make some changes.

Yet there is never quite enough time to actually take those thoughts anywhere. I’m always being called to do something more pressing.

A baby that needs feeding. A four year old who wants a book reading. Kids who want to chat. By the time the house is silent at night my mind is too tired to even think, let alone write.

Fitting in my work, let alone just writing’ is pretty near impossible. This season is not about me.

Some days that is tough. I yearn for five minutes to put down my thoughts and feelings. Writing is how I do my thinking. It’s my therapy.

Yet I know that this time is fleeting. The baby will grow and my hands will not be so full. He’ll be able to play beside me while I write, and I’ll get back to a place where I can think about me. I don’t know what the future holds. I have a feeling it is time to make changes, yet I don’t know what or how or when. Knowing I’m the only person responsible for the six of us is a big thing, their care and all the financial responsibility falls solely on my shoulders. And some days that is a mighty weight and it feels like it’s taking me down.

I’m trying not to think too far in the future right now, as it heightens my anxiety and right now, I can do little about it.

The time will come when I can find the space to figure things out, to make some changes, to create a new life for us all.

This time is for baby hugs, and lots of books. Days filled with what the kiddos need, and keeping us all afloat and loved.