Unfurling, thirty-six trips around the sun and going forwards

unfurling-thirty-six-trips-around-the-sun-and-going-forwards

Hello thirty-six! Yesterday was my birthday, one, in truth, I’d not really been looking forward to. Nothing to do with getting older, more that the past six months have been the hardest of my life. I’ve been broken. And lost. And confused. Six months since my marriage crumbled, though I spent six more weeks trying to salvage it, but a one-sided rescue mission will never be successful. The bravest thing I ever did was walk away, looking back now, with the little distance and perspective I have, I can see that it was the right decision, though not an easy one.

In a funny twist of fate, every morning for the past month or two, my facebook keeps popping up memories from seven years ago. Reminding me that then, just like now, I was feeling how I do. Though then I was too scared to leave, too scared to break away for fear it wasn’t the right thing to do to my family. But I felt trapped in the situation I was in, depressed and lonely, and with no obvious way out. Somehow I got through those years, tried my hardest, raised my family almost as though I were a single parent anyway. Shut out the world and pretended I was happy.

The past few months I’ve been going round and round in circles, one’s I’ve danced for years. Skirting around the hurt and pain that has accumulated over a lifetime, from huge lie-changing events as just a little girl, to troubled teen years, and then a less-than-perfect marriage. No marriage is perfect, but when it’s built on lies and deceit, it’s never going to go the distance.

What made the difference this time, was thinking of my girls… and what would I tell them if they were in this situation. If they had been lied to, if infidelity was part of their picture. I knew my words to them would be that they were worth SO much more than that, that no matter what they were told, there is no excuse for lies or unfaithfulness.. that those things are never their fault and speak more about the person committing the acts than them. I’d tell them to be strong, to be brave, to take their heart away from the hurt and walk.

Brave I may have been, but I am still human. And I hurt. More than I could ever imagine. I’ve been to the depths of despair far more times in my life than one person ever should, yet this was worth anything I’d ever felt. After spending fourteen years building a life and a world, this was crushing. Even though a part of me knew it was not my fault, still I wondered ‘what did I do wrong?’. I’m not perfect by any means, yet I spent a life building a home and family, offering unwavering support, and having it thrown back in my face was heartbreaking.

These past few months, I’ve been soul searching. Lost, wandering, riding some crazy rollercoaster ride that never seems to end. The depression and anxiety I’ve spent most of my life fighting flared back up with a vengeance, re-opening old wounds and flooring me completely. I hid behind the busy-ness of family life, keeping all the plates spinning, and using my four as my floats to keep me going.

The past couple of weeks have been tough… maybe because of an impending birthday and the six-month mark, I don’t know. I can see a tiny light at the end of the tunnel, yet I’ve been fighting letting go of who I was. Sleepless nights this week, with all the world weighing on my mind. The other morning when I couldn’t sleep, I snuck out of the warmth of my bed and curled on the sofa with my journal. I let the words flow from the pen, no pause, no thought… just let them come. The more I wrote, the more it felt as though the weight was lifting.

I could see where I wanted to go, how I wanted my life to look, to feel. And I know what I don’t want anymore – five months of being single, and daily life is so different, the house has an entirely different atmosphere. No more walking on eggshells, no more disrupted days. Everything flows so much more smoothly, there is more joy in the house and everyone is more relaxed, and even the kiddos have commented on how things are better now.

The thing I’ve struggled with is letting go, shrugging off the shackles that are keeping me locked in these circles. I’ve been telling myself I was doing my best, trying my hardest, but then this quote popped up on my facebook feed a few days ago

“It is not enough that we do our best; sometimes we must do what is required.”
― Winston S. Churchill

36

So here I am. 36. Single. Mama of four amazing kiddos. Figuring this out as I go along. Feeling freer than I have in years. Equal measures terrified and excited about what the future has in store. Knowing that I can shape my world any way I like. That I can create a life I love with no compromises.  Feeling a lightness I haven’t felt in a long time – the call of possibility. It’s time to unfurl, to awaken to my own spring after a cold, hard winter and to bloom.

Pushing through my own fear to show my girls {and boy} that life is what you make it. That it’s fine to stand up for yourself and not take other people’s bullshit. To walk away from those that hurt you. To follow your heart and be strong. Here’s to my thirty-sixth year on this planet, a fresh start and the beginning of a whole new adventure.

“Here’s to strong women. May we know them, may we be them, may we raise them.”

 

Follow:
Share:

4 Comments

  1. March 30, 2017 / 11:14

    Oh Polly, just read this on bloglovin feed. I too am 36 (good age). It must have been an awful time for you all, especially as it is such a big change in your lives. I wish you well and I really enjoy your blog posts. Sarah

    • March 30, 2017 / 23:15

      Thank you Sarah <3 xx

  2. April 4, 2017 / 13:09

    Polly I found this post and your journey over the past couple of months very inspiring – as you said you have been brave but are human too but you are incredibly strong and I am sure there are many women who are in the same position as you where feeling stuck and no way out but there is and there is light on the other side – you are an inspiration lady!!

    Laura x

  3. April 5, 2017 / 11:10

    Polly, you’re an inspiration. You really are. And I love that it was your girls who eventually saved you and gave you the strength to make the decision you made. Here’s to 36 being your best year yet xx

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *