Beginning where I am

Another early morning, unable to sleep, sitting on the back doorstep, breathing in the cold night air and trying to calm the rising panic that’s building inside of me. From when I open my eyes until they finally close way too many hours later, it’s like a drum beating constantly.

panicpanicpanic. 

Deep breaths. Circular breathing, in through the nose and out through the mouth. Focussing on the heat seeping from the mug of coffee and into my hands, listening to the sounds of a world asleep, watching the stars, breathing and grounding myself.

can’t do this. can’t do this. can’t do this.

Confused. Broken. Frustrated. Sad. I’ve been trying to run away from where I am right now. Wanting to hide and not have to face the world. Hoping if I kept my head buried long enough, these truths would cease to exist. Or maybe the world would spin and everything would be back as it should be.

panicpanicpanic

In this sleeping world, I can breathe a little easier, I can hear myself think. That is usually something I avoid at all costs – anything, but please don’t leave me alone with my thoughts. Music or TV or a book or social media…. anything I can use to not have to think. To not have to dig deep.

i am not enough. i am not enough. i am not enough.

Today, though, I sit with myself, and let myself listen to the never stopping drumbeat of fear that runs through me. The fear of letting go, of falling and not knowing where or when I will land. The fear that is stalling me. I’ve gotten so wrapped up in the fear, that I’m stuck. Stuck in this place of heartbreak, of self-hatred, of not feeling good enough.  There is a constant stream of self-doubt running through my mind, always there to remind me, that I deserve this. I deserve to be sad and scared and lonely and feeling like I’m-just-not-ever-good-enough-at-all.

Stalling myself. Stalling the future that lies just around the corner. As I sit, watching my breath meet the cold night air, I remember my word for 2017 – B E G I N. I’ve been waiting for something, though I don’t know what. A miracle, some magic, a sign, someone to save me, someone to say ‘DO THIS’. Waiting for the right time, for the hurt to lesson, the fear to subside, the sadness to vanish.

Yet… nothing will change, if nothing changes. If I don’t begin, then I’ll never get going. Stand up and face the fear, do the things that I don’t believe I can do. In the confusion, I’ll begin to learn new things. In my brokenness, I can begin to heal. In the frustration, I can make more honest decisions. In the sadness, my heart will speak it’s wisdom. Breathing deeply, tuning out the beating drum, knowing that I have to begin, to heal, to have faith, to trust in myself. Believe that I can do hard things, and even on days when it’s as hard as hell, and I want to turn on my heels and run away as fast as I can, stand still and don’t give up. Even the tiniest steps each day will move me in the direction of beginning, away from this quicksand that will swallow me if I don’t start right now.

As the first birdsong of the day starts, the panic eases off just a little. Breathing a little easier, I’m beginning where I am right now. No hiding. No head burying. Just truth-telling, baby steps and being brave, even on days when I don’t feel like it – actually ESPECIALLY on days when I don’t feel like it. No excuses.

 You’ve always had the power my dear,
you just had to learn it for yourself”
~   The Wizard of Oz