Like a swan on water

lighthouse, sea, coast, beach

Bear with me here…. think of the swan we see, gracefuly gliding across the water, a picture of grace and ease. What we don’t see is what is hidden below the surface. We don’t see the hard work that the swan’s feet are putting in, paddling away like crazy to keep the swan in motion.

That swan in is the perfect metaphor for me. Again this week, I had someone tell me I was an ‘inspiration’, that they were amazed at how much I do. Obviously, it’s lovely to hear, and slightly uncomfortable making as I certainly don’t see my self as inspirational.

I often forget how much I do actually do. This is my normal, and I just get one with it, becuase there is no alternative. As a single Mama, with five kids at home, one of those at college full time, one part time college and still home educating the rest of the time, two more home educating full time AND one just a toddler, a house to run, lifes to live, and my own business to run as I am the sole financial provider for the six of us…. life is hectic. I wear many roles.

I generally feel like that swan. People see the snippets I post on social media of our days, my highlight reel. What they don’t see is the messiness behind that. The nights I am still working at 11pm. THe days I am trying to juggle keeping up with my work, hopping on calls with clients whilst I can hear the toddler creating havoc, helping the kiddos with their home education stuff, running the house, making meals, getting people to where they need to be, and try to stay sane.

They don’t see the stress, the tears, the worry, the franticness that my days often involve. So many roles to juggle, and it’s usually just me. I’ve spent hours typing with a baby at my breast. Trying to fit work into little pockets of time. Wondering how on earth I can do enough work to pay the bills AND be the best Mama.

They don’t see the days that I am racked with self doubt. Wondering what on earth I was ever thinking to expect to be able to do all of this.

I don’t ever want to make anyone think that I am some kind of superwoman. I am certainly not. I am one woman who is just trying to do her best. I am lucky enough to be able to work from home and home educate my children. For that, I am eternally grateful, but it certainly isn’t an easy route to have taken. It means constant juggling, snatched time, working like a demon when I get a couple of hours of dedicated time, late nights and early mornings, never really being ‘off’, putting my needs at the bottom of the pile more often than not.

You might see my smiling face, a tidy corner of my house, snippets of craft projects we are working on, hot tub fun, long walks to the river… but remember, behind those shots there are plenty of times when I’m not smiling, when the kids are arguing, the house a mess, we’ve done nothing productive for days, and I’m panicking about my endless to-do list and all the work that I need to get through.

I’ve not known anything different to this life for so long it is my normal, and I sometimes forget that to others it may seem incredible. As a single mama, it’s sink or swim – there is no one to pick up my slack, so I just have to get on and do the million things I need to do every day.

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