Delving into ME

I’ve just started working with a life coach. After too many years bumbling about, not really having any direction…. I figured it was time. Until I was a teen, my life revolved around horses. Then I abruptly quit riding and anything to do with it, and since then I’ve been lost. Through secondary school, I never really knew what I wanted to be. I had a few jobs after school, I quit my last one when I was 20 and my mental health took a serious nose dive.

Then I quickly met and married my now ex-husband, and fell pregnant. The next seven years were spent being ‘just’ a Mama. In reality, this was me protecting myself as I was riddled with depression and anxiety, and I doubt I could have held down a job,

By some miracle, I fell into blogging and built it up to be something that brought in an income. I’ve shared so much of our lives, and so much of me, and it has allowed me to be a single Mama, homeschooling and thriving.

The last couple of years have been a struggle. I thought I had fallen out of love with blogging, writing and sharing, though I’m beginning to see that actually it was all tied up in the abusive relationship I had.

Whilst in the relationship, I was so confused, so ashamed, so lost, so unsure… I couldn’t write the truth whilst living it, so it was hard to write anything.

When I was finally free, I was pregnant and alone, desperatly trying to hold it together and keep my family going. I had to shut down so much just to survive and not let all that happened to me, take over me.

Two years on, and those last chains are finally being broken. I can see this period for what it was. I have so much I want to write and say. I have been doubting my own voice. Overthinking what I should say. Suffering a severe case of Imposter Syndrome.

I’ve been planning on applying to study a Diploma in Counselling, having just taken and passed an Introduction Course. I have always felt like going to University was something I needed to do. Something I should do. To prove to me and the world that I can. The more I’ve thought about it now it is time to apply, the more it doesn’t feel right.

So the life coach. I knew that I needed some help in figuring out me. Not just what it is I want to do. But who it is I am. What matters most to me. What I value. What life I want – not what life I think I should have.

A part of me feels as though, at almost 40 – I really ought to have this life figured out. From messages I’ve had, I am not the only one who feels this way. Maybe we are mapping out a new way to live… on our own terms.