Embracing Change

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Friday night. I’ve managed to get the living room to myself. The boys are in bed, the girls in their rooms settling down for the night.

14 weeks of lockdown, and the world is slowly coming back to life around us. I do’nt know whether I am happy about that or not. I’ve loved this slow paced life, I’ve loved being home, not having to rush around, having the kiddos here more.

Yet they’ve missed their groups and thier friends. I’ve missed my friends, days out {that are further away than the local river} and adventures.

I feel like we’ve learned a lot from this lockdown. About how we can do without things we think we need, how easy it is to get sucked into a busy, busy, busy life, where there is always somewhere we need to go or something we need to buy.

It’s given me room to think. TO look at our lives and figure out what stays and what needs to change. It reminded me of when my girls were young, money was tight {or non existent} and life a lot smaller. We spent a lot of time just me and the three girls, there was less rushing around and more simple pleasures.

With life restarting, I’ve been feeling change in the air. An urge to carve a space for me to be ‘Polly’ and not just ‘Mama’. I planned to go to Uni a couple of years ago, then life {and an abusive relationship} got in the way, I had a baby and it just didn’t happen.

I’m starting to slowly, make plans. To map out where I want to go and to take the first tentative steps to get there. To not just find time to be me, but to follow a new path, to find a new direction to head in. Change and I have a strange relationship. We don’t always get along, I hold back until I can’t stand it anymore and then I always remember that change can be good.

I hung on to a marriage for far longer than I should, and letting myself be free was the best gift I ever gave myself. I hung on to an awful, abusive relationship for too long, letting myself think it was me. Getting free saved my life.

I’m reminding myself right now that change can be my friend. That there is nothing wrong with changing what isn’t working or no longer serves. That it’s good to follow your heart. To jump even if you are not sure. To trust even when you’ve been betrayed before. To trust that things will work out just the way they shoud.

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