Courage, Dear Heart

Two years ago I took a leap of faith. I’d spent six weeks fighting with my heart and my head, trying to figure out what was the ‘right’ thing to do, hoping that things would magically just go back to how they were and I wouldn’t have to be in the position I was in. I was heartbroken, my marriage lay in tatters around my feet, and I didn’t seem to be able to fix it, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to fix it.

After six weeks of hell, I told my then husband to leave. I felt as though I was jumping off a cliff with no safety equipment, it seemed to go against everything I’d spent the past fourteen years working for. In the blink of an eye, I was throwing away a marriage, a life, a family. Yet in reality, it wasn’t me who was throwing things away. They’d already been thrown away and I was saving myself. I was standing up for myself after years of not doing so. I was finally listening to my heart, instead of what I was being told.

That day was life-changing. It was the start of a really hard period of depression and anxiety, as all my barriers came falling down, and I was rebuilding myself from the ground up, to be exactly who I was meant to be. There have been difficult times along the way, times I doubted my decisions when I thought maybe someone is better than noone – but truthfully no-one is far better than someone who doesn’t value you or love you.

I’ve come such a long way from that scared lady two years ago, who didn’t know if she was making the right choice, that one split second of insane courage turned out to be the best second of my life. I am ten times the woman I was then, I am stronger than I ever thought possible, and I’ve proved to myself that I am whole all ny myself. Spending eighteen months mostly single has been just what I needed. After being in relationships since my early teens, having time to just be ME has been an eye-opener. Being answerable to nobody else, being able to shape life just the way I wanted, being entirely selfish.. every woman needs to experience that  I think.

I dated on and off last year, but around last Christmas, I realised I was searching for someone to fulfill me, and that wasn’t the right path. I had to accept me alone, to find that peace within, to realise that I don’t need anybody else to be whole. When I gave up the need for someone, I accepted where I was. Funnily enough, literally the very day after I said to a friend “That’s it, I’m done… I am going to be single forever” THAT is when I met someone. Without trying, without planning, it just happened.

Serendipity. Right place, right time, right people around to play matchmaker.

Today, I am so thankful for that leap of faith that I took. thankful that somewhere, deep inside, I had enough belief in myself, even if I didn’t feel it, to stand up and do what was right. To stop being a doormat to be walked all over, and to reclaim the life that I deserved.

Right when we feel like we can take no more when we feel like we don’t know which way to go, or what is the right thing to do. That is when we have to have courage. To listen to our heart, to trust our intuition and to jump.

I promise it will be worth it ♥