Love, anxiety & whole new chapters ♥
It feels like forever since I’ve sat down to really write in this space. I’ve been popping in and out, but not really present. The last six weeks have been crazy, hectic, stressful but also pretty flipping amazing. I’ve not had the headspace to really sit and put any thoughts down here, so I thought it was about time that I did.
Where to start? I don’t really know. After having a really good few months mental health wise, I decided to take myself off my antidepressants. I’m not anti-medication, but it was a last resort for me – when I made the decision to go on them last year it was my last choice, having tried everything and anything, the way I was feeling was just not shifting and I had to do something. Come June, and I was feeling so much stronger, happier, healthier, not depressed, not anxious, making plans and living life. So I started to slowly wean myself off them.
That proved far harder than I expected, the physical side effects were pretty horrendous. My anxiety came back worse than before, I felt dizzy most of the time, I was sleeping worse than ever, I kept getting electric shock type feelings, plus tingly lips…. it was tough going. Slowly though I made it, and it’s been two months since I had my last pill. The side effects lasted for a good few weeks after that, though thankfully now all the physical effects seem to have worn off.
So how am I feeling without the meds? Honestly, it’s been up and down. Meds always make me feel a little zombie like – I don’t feel the bad, but I also don’t feel the good. It’s some weird state of constant numbness. So without them, I feel EVERYTHING. The good, the bad and everything in between. It has been hard. Harder than I expected. Two months on, and I think things are slowly beginning to settle down. I crashed a little, not eating enough, not sleeping, stressing…. but I can slowly feel things are leveling back out.
I managed to couple this time with suddenly meeting someone. Having been single for almost two years, and having been through hell from a very unhappy marriage, coupled with other abuse issues over the years, I find it really hard to let anyone in, to trust anyone, and to believe what they say.
At the beginning of July, I was chatting with a friend and said ‘that’s it…. I’m going to be single forever. I give up,’ Then the next day I met someone. Almost five weeks on, and life is changing rapidly – it’s been a funny few weeks, of feeling worse even though I’m the happiest I have ever been… of my anxiety playing hell, of trusting someone and talking about really tough stuff. Five weeks that feels like three years. That’s gone from nothing to everything overnight. It’s funny how life happens when you least expect it!
We’re all adjusting to this newness, the kiddos are happy and relaxed, I’m’ finding my groove again {hi Stella!} and we’re making plans for the future. There are a couple of big changes for all of us in the pipelines over the next few weeks – I’ll keep you posted on those shortly – I know how annoying that is, but it’s not quite ready to be put out there}. After two really hard years, and far too many tough years before that, I finally feel like it’s time for the good stuff, that maybe, just maybe the hard times are behind us – we’re definitely onto a new chapter now.
If you’re reading this and feeling like you might need some extra support with your mental health you can connect with a therapist at ThriveTalk.com
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Sandra
August 9, 2018 at 15:59This sounds really lovely! Go for it, a new future ❤
Emma Elliott
August 9, 2018 at 19:06So wonderful to hear that you’ve meet someone biggest cuddles and yah for being off meds
Sian
August 9, 2018 at 19:07Exciting times and even though it’s hard, your fully experiencing “life” again and are becoming awake.
Becky
August 11, 2018 at 14:41So glad to hear this! Here’s to finding your groove and the excitement of what the future holds!
Adele
August 11, 2018 at 18:38This is so cool to hear, Polly. I’m happy for you that coming off meds is settling for you and that you have the thrill of new love. I’m so looking forward to hearing about the new stuff you have under wraps. :)
McKenzie Allyshia
August 12, 2018 at 05:03This post is absolutely wonderful in so many ways ♥