When pregnancy isn’t full of joy

Pregnancy is supposed to be a time of joy, of immense happiness at the prospect of bringing new life into the world. If you’re not feeling quite like that, then it isn’t really ‘the done thing’ to talk about it.

While I’ve been open about the fact that I ended my relationship {you can watch a vlog I made that covers the whys}, I haven’t talked much about how I’m feeling. I’ve had so many comments about how strong I am, or how well I’ll cope alone. I felt a little like I had to keep acting the part, being happy and excited and strong and not bothered by what has happened.

In truth, I’ve talked on here a lot over the last two and a half years about my battles with depression and anxiety. They are something that I’ve fought with pretty much all of my life, and I think will always be there. For the most part, I have them under control. The first half of last year I was finally feeling like I was back in control after a nightmare year or so, the break up of a marriage, and severe depression.

Finding myself in a new relationship, I was so happy. It felt like things were on the up, that life was moving on and things were going to be great. That quickly descended into so far from the truth. Without getting into it too much in this post, he wasn’t who I thought he was, he wasn’t who he said he was. Within six weeks or so of me starting the relationship, I knew things weren’t right. But my paranoia coupled with the gaslighting made me doubt myself, and for a long while I didn’t listen to my instinct. Looking back, I should have jumped ship then. I should have reached out and told the truth to friends BUT in the moment, surrounded by people who were happy I was happy I didn’t want to shatter that illusion.

By the time I found out I was pregnant, I could feel the depression and anxiety creeping back in, and rapidly. I tried to pass it off as pregnancy hormones, but in my heart, I knew I needed to get out. Finding out the truth about my ex-partner, by chance, gave me the momentum to end the relationship. It wasn’t an easy straightforward ending, but my Christmas I was free and single.

Straight away, I could feel the sadness and worry lifting and figured that now I was out of the situation, all would be good. And for a few weeks, it was. With the immediate problems the relationship had caused dealt with, and with finding out more and more truths about who my ex really was, and all of the lies he told, I could feel the depression taking hold again.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve felt myself slipping down. I’ve been fighting as hard as  I can to keep on swimming and stay above the water. But it’s hard. It feels like I’m wading through mud. My head is foggy, my thoughts all over the place, my concentration and motivation non-existant. Every inch of me is tired, and not just pregnancy tired, bone tired.

As much as I try to ignore the negative thoughts, to focus on all of the positives, to not sit and worry about the future and how things will turn out, it’s not always easy when there is a constant drone in your head about how much of a mess you have made of your life.

I never intended or expected to find myself single and pregnant, to be about to be raising five children all by myself. I’m not unhappy about this baby, and it will be so loved, but this is not how I hoped or planned to have one last baby. I worry about being able to cope alone. I worry about things getting harder and harder than they already are.

Essentially alone, it’s just me and the kiddos. I’m not close to much of my family, it’s only really my Dad that keeps in touch and he lives 150 miles away. All those fears about raising and financing a family fall squarely on my shoulders.

I’ve felt myself pull myself inward, shutting out the world, which I always do when I feel like this. It’s too hard to keep the smiles on and tell people the things they want to hear when I feel so broken.

I’m trying to be patient with myself. To feel the feelings that are present. To not try and ignore them, but acknowledge them instead. I know this too shall pass. I know I’ve been here before, and things have a funny way of working out. Yet that doesn’t make living through these feelings any easier. Knowing that come bedtime, you’ll find yourself hysterically sobbing yet again because you’re all alone, and all you want is someone there to share it all with.