Life, lately

Hi there! I have a brief five minutes, so thought I would pop in here and share a little. Life lately has been hectic. There isn’t much breathing space and certainly no Mama space. There seems to have been at least one of us ill for weeks now – I guess it’s that time of year. the baby seems to have hit the four-month sleep regression – the last few nights have been rough, he hasn’t wanted to settle till late, last night he woke up ten minutes after I put him to bed, there have been hourly wake-ups. I feel a bit like a zombie right now.

I have to keep reminding myself how little he still is, that right now I am his entire world, and it is OK that he needs/wants to be in my arms 24/7. It’s easy to get frustrated from time to time at not having any space for myself. For having to run on empty, for trying to keep everyone going all the time, yet feeling like I am falling apart.

Miss Baya had a gymnastics comp last weekend, which she totally aced. She’s going to the finals in a week’s time, though I might not make it to see her compete as it’s in Cardiff, and the practicalities of taking everyone away is too much and too expensive.

Co-parenting life isn’t always easy, and while relations between us are OK these days, things between the bigger kiddos and their Dad can be complicated at times. It’s hard trying to negotiate them having a good relationship when they are feeling upset and hurt at how they are treated, I have to put their needs and feelings first. It’s a tricky line to walk, as we co-parent better apart then we did together, and probably get on better these days too.  I obviously want them to have a good relationship with their Dad, I think it’s a really important bond to keep, and I’ve done so much to keep that going – as they get older, they ultimately can see what’s what for themselves, and have the right to make their own minds up on how that relationship looks.  I always make sure I tell them that their Dad does love them, for he does, and they are lucky that he makes such an effort to be a part of their lives and to spend time with them. There are so many Dads who can’t be bothered to be involved, who don’t want to spend time with their kiddos, and I’m glad the big kids don’t have to deal with that.

I think as parents what we have to do is encourage them to stand up for themselves, let them know it is allowed to say NO, that it OK for them to express themselves and answer back. Yet I also work hard to try and build bridges, to keep those family ties, and to ease their hurt. I want kiddos who are happy, who are confident enough to tell others what they think, to speak up for themselves and take care of themselves. That was something that I was never able to do as a teen {and only just can now} and it is so important that we can put ourselves first, to understand that we are important and we can define our own boundaries.

I wish there was an easy solution, but ultimately the kiddos have to learn things for themselves and figure out what they need/want out of life.

It can be a strange world to try and navigate sometimes, my feelings don’t come into play at all, I just have to try and be led by the kiddos and what each of them needs individually. One day when they are grown, they’ll look back and know that I did all I could for them, that they were always my priority in life, that I never forgot about things that were important to them, that I never complained about the sacrifices we make as parents, financially or time-wise. They’ll see that even when it wasn’t easy I kept going. I want my daughters to know that you don’t ever need a man – a partner might be nice, but it is better to do this life alone than with someone who isn’t fully committed. I want my sons to know that there is more to being a father than just helping make the baby. I want them to look back and see that our family unit of six was complete just the way we were.

At times I feel so totally overwhelmed with life. Yet when I let myself stop and pause, and look around, it is all pretty perfect. I have five amazing kiddos – what more could I need? I am the luckiest to just get to spend my days with them, and I honestly wouldn’t change it for a thing.

I’ve had a friend pop round for a cuppa and a chat today, which left me feeling far more positive. I’m still feeling like change is coming, though I’m not sure how or what. I feel like it may be time to take a step back from online life at some point in the future.. time to find a job/career, preferably something I can do from home alongside the kiddos. Time to pick up our life and steer it in a slightly different direction. I’m in no hurry, I want to soak up these baby days – but I feel like I’ve been a little lost this past year, trying to focus on recovering from an abusive relationship and having a baby, it’s time to take back my power and shape this life into one that suits me now.