Looking back

September the 11th will always mark the day that my world fell apart on me. I woke up this morning, and timehop showed me a blog post I wrote two years ago. It’s kinda crazy to think that it’s been three whole years since the day I found out my marriage wasn’t what I thought it was. It came at a time when I thought things were better than ever, I was SO happy, loving family life, and planning our futures.

Unfortunately, sometimes life likes to shake things up a little. I woke that morning to find out I’d been lied to and cheated on, and my heart smashed into smithereens. I didn’t’ think I would ever pick up the pieces and move on. Looking back, there is no doubt I had a breakdown, or really a breakthrough. Everything I thought proved to be wrong, I had to question every little thing, and admit to myself how unhappy and lost I had let myself become, wrapped up in a marriage that didn’t fulfill me in the slightest.

It’s been a long journey to get to where I am today, there have been ups and downs, and times when I questioned whether I was right to have called time on a marriage, regardless of what went on. Times when I was so angry, so hurt, so broken. Upset that my family wasn’t whole anymore. It took me a long time to heal, but thankfully I came out of it so much stronger than I ever could have believed possible.

I don’t regret my marriage, how could I when it gave me four amazing kiddos? I taught me a lot – mostly that I shouldn’t put myself last, that I can’t put my worth in another person, or in being a part of a couple. That I have to forge my own life, and not just ride along with someone else because it is easy. I learned to stand up for myself, to creat boundaries, to make a life that was my own.

It was a painful and messy process, but it was a journey I needed to make. I lost friends along the way, I lost parts of myself too. Yet here I am, still standing.

The strength I gained served me well last year when I found myself in an abusive relationship. It gave me the strength to get out straight away and not still stuck for years on end. It meant that while it was difficult, and sad, and stressful, I didn’t fall apart at ending a relationship, even whilst pregnant, as I had enough self-worth to know I deserved more than that.

Yes, I have bad days. Days when a little part of me yearns for the old days. But I’m finding I can look back on happy memories and smile, and not be sad that it’s over. It’s taken a lot of work on my part to get to a point where my ex and I can have a good relationship, but I’m glad that we do. Obviously, there are things that still drive me nuts, and times when I’m reminded why I’m glad we’re not a couple anymore. But I do think it’s better for the kiddos that we actually get on, and can still do ‘family’ things together. Coming from a broken home, where my parents didn’t really manage to speak if they found themselves together, I didn’t want that for my kiddos. It makes life so difficult and awkward for them, so it was important for me to forge a better relationship with the father of my children.

Onwards and upwards, the last three years have been possibly the toughest of my life, I’m hoping the next three bring whole new chapters and are full of love and happiness ♥

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