Single and Pregnant

I wrote that title and then realised it sounds like some crappy reality TV show. Ha! This pregnancy has been hard. Physically draining as I’m five years older than last time I was pregnant, and have four other kids and a business and a house to deal with at the same time. Mentally draining as I’m single doing all of this.

In my previous pregnancies, I always had someone there doing it alongside me. Admittedly, he was never the most enthusiastic father-to-be, hence why when I realised I was pregnant the fourth time around I texted him the news as I knew he’d be mightly pissed off and want to go to the pub to drown his sorrows. But it was what it was, and there was at least another adult in the house, even if I was still doing most of the thinking and worrying and planning on my own, still running a house and raising a family and working and homeschooling alone.

If I thought I felt lonely then, I could never have imagined how hard it would feel to be pregnant and single. Without going into all the messy details of my last relationship, this pregnancy wasn’t really on my plan for when it happened, though I see now that it was a way to trap me further. Unfortneualye {for him} that backfired as it actually gave me the impetus to get the hell out, and quickly. The first couple of months of knowing I was pregnant, I gave little thought to how I’d cope alone, as I was too busy trying to extract myself from the awful, controlling relationship I’d found myself in. Then came the relief of being free of all of that – so it took a good two or three months for the enormity of the situation to sink in.

I wouldn’t be back in that relationship for a second, but expecting a baby alone isn’t something that I ever thought I would have to do. Some days the sheer worry about everything completely overtakes any excitement for this new life that is coming. I am exhausted from trying to keep every single ball rolling by myself whilst growing a baby. My mind is consumed with worry about how the heck I’m supposed to manage with a newborn in the house – when I have four other kiddos to look after, a house to run, homeschooling to do, and a business to run.

Some nights as I crawl into bed the loneliness is too much. This is supposed to be a time of joy, of excitement, of new beginnings – a time that should be shared with someone as excited as you are. But there is no-one. Knowing that it all falls to me leaves me feeling more than a little nervous.

I’m trying to remind myself that things will work out. That everything will fall into place. That he’ll arrive, and the love will come, and I’ll forget all trauma around his conception, that he’ll be so loved by the five of us in the house, that I’ll prove to myself that I can do it all…

I guess this is a lesson in letting go of expectations, of embracing life for what it is, in choosing to see the good in a situation.

I feel guilty for not being excited, for not enjoying this pregnancy, for worrying about what another mouth to feed will mean. It’s hard to talk about, as when I do everyone says ‘oh but you’ll be fine’ or ‘you’re so strong you’ll cope no problem’ or something along those lines. And yes, I’ve proved to be stronger than I thought over the last few years, and I know I will cope because I have no choice. It doesn’t stop the worry. Or the fears. Or the loneliness. Or the longing for someone to share this time with. OR the panic that no-one will want to date a single Mama of five.

1 Comment

  1. Samantha Bell

    June 11, 2019 at 21:53

    I am single and pregnant with my 3rd. My boyfriend and I broke up a few weeks ago and Im 17 weeks now. I know what you are going through and it does suck!

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