Wading through the fog

Sometimes it hits and you know why. Bereavement. Relationship breakups. Miscarriage. A myriad of other reasons. And sometimes it hits and there is no one reason. Depression doesn’t only follow a traumatic experience. Sometimes it can hit us when everything is going great, when life is happy and things are going well. That’s always the bouts that I find the hardest to deal with. When I have a reason for my depression, it’s easier to accept somehow. But when I don’t, then I start to feel guilty for feeling so awful when really, what have I got to be depressed about?

The last few weeks, it’s as though there is a thick fog in my brain. I can barely think, let alone function. I’ve been running on autopilot, somehow making it through the days, getting the essentials done, but I’m not really present. I haven’t blogged in the past two weeks, I haven’t posted on my IG account… I just can’t seem to find the motivation to do anything.

I am beyond tired. I crawl into bed as soon as the kiddos are settled, yet in the mornings I wake up even more tired than when I went to bed. I long to crawl under the duvet and stay there for a few months until this passes, until spring comes, until I feel more human. Obviously, that is never going to happen. Life continues, and sometimes, when I force myself to get going, to participate in life, then I forget for a little while that I feel rubbish.

The guilt for feeling this way is ridiculous. My anxiety has sky-rocketed again because I feel so low. COnvinced that everyone hates me, I’d rather not leave the house and having to socialise nearly kills me at the minute. While there may be no one big reason, there are lots of little things going on. Hormones that are all over the place… this time of year always makes me struggle a little, so many changes around, and change isn’t something that sits easily with me.

Depression can strike anytime, for any reason, and often when there is no specific reason, other people see us as being ‘lazy’, or tell us that we just need to smile – things aren’t that bad! I’ll agree with that one -things aren’t that bad, I’ve been through some incredibly hard times, and right now, life is good, amazing, wonderful. But that doesn’t negate the way that I feel or make it any less real.

The thing I find the hardest when I feel so low is the total lack of motivation. I know I should do certain things that will make me feel better – yoga in the morning, a few sessions of cardio each week, getting out for some fresh air, reaching out to friends. Yet, trying to find the energy to actually do any of those things is near impossible right now, so I’m stuck in an endless circle of feeling rubbish, needing to do something about it, but lacking the motivation to actually do it. And so it goes on.

I know this will pass, I know things will get easier and better, that I’ll wake up one morning and manage to get out of bed and do some yoga. That the smiles will replace the tears. Laughter will replace the worry. That life will feel easier again.

In the meantime, I’m trying to give myself the space to do whatever I need to do to get through this. To let go of the things that are less than important. To worry less about keeping on top of everything. To forgive myself on the days when I can’t keep up with the fast pace of the world in which we live. To find those small pockets of happiness and cling onto them.

I realised that I have been trying to hide how I feel, for not wanting to burden others, for not wanting to look ungrateful for all that I have, for how far I have come in the last two years. Today I’m remembering I have nothing to be ashamed of. Mental illness is just that – an illness, not something I’ve chosen. Clinging to the mantra ‘this too shall pass’.