Sitting in the darkness

“If we fall, it doesn’t mean that we have failed, rather it’s an invite to transform and expand”

For months and months, I fought, I’d do anything to avoid the darkness, to avoid having to sit here, where I am, to feel the feelings and be with myself. I tried to outrun the depression and the despair, figuring if I ran long enough and far enough, it wouldn’t catch up with me this time around.

For I’ve been here before. My life seems to go around in circles, I can hold it all together for a little while, and then something happens, a new baby, a messy separation, heartache, and CRASH, I’m right back in this place again. I’m finally seeing that maybe these patterns keep repeating as I’m not learning the lessons. I’m not sitting with my feelings, dealing with anything, I’ve always just numbed myself for long enough, that I can wrestle enough control back to go back to pretending it’s all OK.

This time around, I fell harder than ever before, my world truly caved in. There have been times in the past when I thought I was hurt, thought I couldn’t go on… but they don’t even begin to compete with this. A heartache that came totally unexpectedly knocked me down harder than I could have predicted. Those first weeks were lost in a haze of disbelief, of numbness, of feeling sick and scared and anxious. As the weeks went on and I found the strength to stand up for myself, and throw him out of my house, those feelings turned into some that I thought were far behind me. My depression and anxieties came back stronger than ever before, and those old feelings of not being ‘enough’, not being ‘worthy’, not being ‘loved’. Feelings I know deep down at least, are bullshit, yet left over from a messy childhood and teens, from abuse and years of depression and self-hate, that I’ve never addressed, they pop back up at the first chance they get, as they always have done.

After months of trying to out run my feelings, of numbing the pain, of trying to escape my own mind, of wanting to hop off this rollercoaster ride, I finally gave in. Crunch time arrived, and I dug deep and found a reason to go on. Four huge reasons, and a million tiny ones. It takes an awful lot of energy to keep running, and I think that this breakdown was just sat waiting to happen… years, no, a lifetime, of unaddressed issues that have been chasing me around, waiting for something to trigger them again.

The difference this time is that I’ve stopped running. I’ve given in. I’m sat here in the darkness. Feeling my feelings, the tears, the fears, the anxiety, the darkness, the worry and the self-loathing. Feeling them – no numbing and no running. The only way out is through. Recovery isn’t easy, but neither is spending a lifetime running away from yourself.

The rollercoaster has slowed down, those crazy loop the loops have given way to a slightly smoother up and down. There are good days appearing more frequently, without the crutches my mind is clearer, I’m adding in good things to replace the bad things that I’ve taken away. No more alcohol, no coffee, no cigarettes. Instead water, herbal teas, lots of fruit and veggies. No sitting and moping but taking action… journaling, art, therapy sessions, support meetings, friends, yoga. Figuring out what makes me feel good and what doesn’t. Lots of reading – I’m currently reading this book on Mindfulness for BPD which is really helping me to take charge of my emotions and how I think about things – as well as how I react.

Sitting here in the darkness is a scary place to be, my instincts still tell me to grab something to numb it, to fill every nano -second of my day so I don’t have to sit and think, to surround myself with other people all the time – especially when I’m struggling. BUT…. ultimately, only I can heal myself, there won’t/can’t always be someone there to tell me it’s alright, to tell me to pour the drink away, to go eat, do some yoga… anything that will make you feel good. So this time around, I’m doing things I’ve never done before. Putting steps in place – some tried and tested, things I know help when I’m depressed, others things I’ve never tried before – mainly because I was always too afraid of the unknown, and maybe a little afraid of letting go of all this.

On Sunday’s full moon,  I did a little full-moon tarot reading. Basically, {and I’m no expert in reading cards} they told me that I needed to let go of the past, sacrifice all that has been and stop hanging on to what has been. That right now, I need to step away from day-to-day life, from the noise and busy-ness, and go within – focus on my inner realm, become more self-aware and light the fire inside me. And that dependency need to be addressed so that they don’t continue to shape my future…. in all honesty, they were pretty darn spot on!

So here I am, sat with myself, not entirely sure what to do or where to go, feeling a million feelings and thinking a thousand thoughts all at once as there is no more numbness and no more escaping. Sitting quietly, trying to reach in instead of out, find the power inside of me to fight and to put the pieces back together… for me and not because someone else tells me it’s what I should do.