These are the days

Wednesday was one of those days that doesn’t go right from the minute you open your eyes. When your instinct to stay in bed, and wait for the next day is probably one you should follow. I woke after a fitful sleep, tired, sad and anxious. Feeling like I needed to stay home, yet we had a day out planned. So up and on I got, sent one kiddo off to school, got the other three up and fed and ready. Made lunch to take with us, put away my grocery order, and headed out. trying not to think about being out, as the thought of having to go out was making my anxiety worse {hello panic attacks}. We made our train, then it got stuck – a fault on the line left us stranded at a station for half an hour, we finally got moving onwards, only to find the train was being terminated at the next station, so we’d have to make an unexpected change. We finally got to our destination, with less time than we’d planned to lunch and shop, before the workshop the girls were booked in on began. I survived a few busy city centre shops, ate, grabbed a coffee {and spilled half of it down my front}, made it to the museum with minutes to spare…. only to find I’d gotten the day wrong, and we’d missed the workshop by two days! By this point I could have cried, OK, I did. Thankfully the girls were amused, we found an American Candy store for consolation sweets, and the Tate gift shop for new paints and sketchbooks, and had an uneventful journey home.

By the time I went to bed, I was spent. Exhausted, emotional and feeling like a bit of a Mama failure. And then today. One of our cats kindly woke me at 3am, I woke with a start feeling sad and tearful and unable to fall back asleep. I made tea, and curled back in bed, snuggled against the warmth of my toddler, and read away those twilight hours until the house awoke. Hoping, praying, for a better day. By the time it was an hour to get up, the sun was shining and I felt OK. Not great… but right now, OK I’ll take.

Really, it always amazes me what a difference some sunshine makes! Life seems so much easier when it’s sunny, when the doors can be left open without the house turning into an igloo, when the sun streaming through my stained glass windows makes pretty rainbows across the floor. beastie and I enjoyed an al fresco breakfast whislt the girls slept. The laundry got hung out to dry in the sun, I snuck in a little work before the house fully awoke.

Our morning was spent pottering around the house. I started on a make-over of the old coffee table in the den, Beastie played in the garden {who knew dead strawberry leaves could keep him occupied for so long?!}, the girls did their English lessons, practised some gymnastics, trampolined, we popped out to run a few errrands and met back at the table for lunch.

A happy table, surrounded with laughter and chatter, a chance to catch up on our morning and plan our afternoon. We read a little of our book club book {we’re reading My Side of the Mountain this month}, filled in more on the timeline of the book we’re creating, more trampoling, tunes playing, ice-cream sundaes were made {and consumed with glee by all four kiddos}, a bliss filled hour spent in the den, decorating the covers of our new sketchbooks – don’t you just love a brand new sketchbook? All those blank pages, waiting to be filled make my heart so happy.

Baya had her gym class, Beastie made a birthday card ready for his Grandma’s birthday, we made curry for dinner, hell, we even managed to sort out Kiki’s wardrobe! By the time my kiddos were all tucked up in bed, and my bath was running, I was exhasted again, but in a good way. While these past few months have been a rollercoaster ride, up and down, sometimes hanging on by my knuckles, fighting to create a new normal, to regain some sense of peace, to ride out the depression adn anxiety and keep all the plates spinning, there are glimmers now of what life is becoming.

These are the days. These love filled, memorie creating, happy, simple days. It’s not hte special occasions, or the day trips, or holidays that create our lives… it’s these everyday kind of days, spent at home with our families. Days full of laughter, and games, painting and reading, playing games and watching them do the same trick on the trampoline twenty times in a row. These are what make me happy. While there are still ups and downs, life is settling down. Really, I have all that I ever wanted… a home I love, four amaing kiddos, fun-packed days, the freedom to be home with them 24/7… being able to soak up these slow, peaceful days. Life lately is beginning to be so much better than it has been for a long time. While I’m still fighting to beat hte depression/anxiety, family life is pretty flipping fab. Our home is so much calmer and happier now it’s just me here, the kiddos less stressed, the atmosphere is no longer filled with tension, gone is the negativity and criticisms I hadn’t even realised took up so much space until they were no longer there.

Life is not perfect, but life is pretty good ?