The ‘just’ season and musings on life

unrelated photo of my Beastie Boy this time last year!

It’s 8am as I sit and write this. The house is quiet, Beastie and I are downstairs watching a few early morning cartoons, snuggled under a throw while the house warms up and wakes up. Lola and Papa are sleeping upstairs… the other two girls spent last night at a friends on a sleepover. How strange the house feels with only two children…quiet but not quiet. How different the dynamics when there is just the eldest and youngest.

After the girls left yesterday, Lola and I watched ‘The Fault in our Stars’ – a DVD she got for Christmas, the baby napped, then nursed then played while we watched. It was lovely to have some time with just her… no other girls demanding my attention or complaining at what she was watching. Papa cooked dinner so I could spend some time with just Lola. With a big{ish} family, especially as I work from home AND homeschool my kiddos, time is precious. There never seems to be enough time to do everything we need or want. I try to schedule some one-on-one time with the girls where I can… whilst the others are at a group, or a movie night after everyone else is in bed. A hot chocolate date out of the house or a walk somewhere with a napping baby in his pram.

Some days my to-do lists are miles long… sleepless nights and early mornings mean getting up and on is often easier said than done. After a couple of lazy weeks over Christmas and New Year, I’ve really felt this week back to ‘work’. I’m thankful we’ve no school run, I’ve no commute to an office. We’ve no alarm clocks going off at 6.30am telling us to get out of our warm cozy beds.

Some days it feels like I have this life down. Those are the days that everyone gets some ‘school work’ done, I get my work done, a healthy dinner gets cooked, as well as snacks and lunch before, the house doesn’t look like a tornado went through it, I get everyone to groups on time, sneak in time for a workout, read the littlies a book before bed and manage some ‘grown up’ time once they are all in bed.

More often than not, I feel like life is more of a ‘just’. I just get everything done, I just manage to make dinner, wIjust manage to get where we need to be, I just manage to keep on top of the housework, I just  make deadlines…. you get the picture. Life is a constant roundabout…never slowing down or giving me chance to catch up and if I hop off, I fear I’d never get back on again.

This year I’ve decided it’s time to take charge. To make way for some changes. To not feel I have to do things I just because. To say ‘no’ a little more – no to things I don’t want to do, no to things that don’t work best for all of us. No to visits we don’t want, no to people who drain our energy, no to things that just don’t fit our lives right now. I want to embrace this season while my children are still small… already we’re on the verge of the teenage years, and I don’t want to waste a minute of this precious life on things that aren’t right for us.

Last night with just Lola was so nice, I definitely want to make way for more one-on-one time this year… especially as she becomes a teenager, I want to keep those lines of communication open, to listen and experience what it is that she likes and wants from life. As parents, we always want to do the best, to not repeat the things our own parents did wrong… while we can only try our best, sometimes our own experiences from childhood can show us how not to do it. I try hard to always listen to my children, to understand where they are coming from, and to never blame them for my feelings.

I know how incredibly blessed I am to have these amazing four kiddos, and to be able to shape my life to look the way I want it to. Full of experiences and people that I love.